When I'm Gone

It's been a few days since I've woken up with a song in my head. I haven't worried about it, it meant I got several good nights of deep healing sleep, which I was desperate for. But this morning, once again, there was a song, and it just happened to be from a band I put out a record for.

I Walk The Line are from Finland, and they're probably one of the best bands I've seen live. I am immensely proud of the record I released for them, Desolation Street in 2007 (Gearhead Records, RPM 071 www.gearheadrecords.com). Its dark and dreamy and melancholy, unlike anything else I've ever released, but speaks to my soul in so many ways, and is probably one of my favorite records I've released. This morning it was "When I'm Gone" that was in my head. I wondered why, since I haven't listened to the record for probably 6 months. And of course, I went and read the lyrics, and just had to laugh: it was there in black and white, (well, pale yellow and brown if you actually look at the record cover): all the internal stuff I've been struggling with these past few days. Here's the first line of the song:

You stuck a knife deep in my flesh again
You're twisting it around until I don't feel more pain.
You tore me up in pieces today.
I'm on the floor and you just walk over me
I don't know if I even care anymore
I'm beaten numb
I don't feel the pain at all

Dark right? But so intensely emotional, so hurt. People keep asking why I don't want to put any more records out, why I don't want to help bands anymore, and these words pretty much nail it in one fell swoop. I started this company because I wanted to help bands find a voice and get exposure. I wanted to use my skills and my talents to help them in a way they could never do themselves. I believed this so deeply in my core, that every single band I've signed, every single record I helped bring into this world, I believed this about. And almost every single time, it has backfired on me. And yet I kept going. Until now.

I had pretty much decided I wasn't going to spend my time and energy anymore on helping bands when I realized they didn't give a shit about me, or how their actions affected me. I realized finally that, while they said they wanted help, it wasn't really true. I was the one turning myself inside out to help people that didn't really want help. They were just along for the ride, driven by thoughts of fame and glory.

But there was one band who I thought was different. They seemed so down to earth, real people, wanting my help as much as I wanted to give it. They listened and followed my suggestions and guidance, until recently. And then the egos got in the way, like it always does. I've never lied to any of the bands I worked with; in fact, I was bluntly honest about the hard work it would take to move forward. I put my heart and soul into helping these guys, firmly believing we were a team working towards a common goal. But somehow, it all fell apart. They started believing things people were saying about me, and in turn, started acting like prima donnas. They were looking for something better.

It hurt, deeply. It is just like when a relationship breaks up, and you're left standing there going "what happened" ? There's nothing I can do to change their minds or fix this, and frankly, I don't want to. It is yet another blessing in disguise from the Universe, now freeing me to move on the way I had planned to and be free of the egos and irrationalities of dealing with bands and all their dramas. I am finally over it, and this was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back". I have no illusion or romance any more about this industry, and I can now wish them well, and walk away. I don't need this bullshit in my life. I'm much happier without it.

I was reading today's passage in the Al Anon book "Courage to Change" and interestingly enough, todays quote was about not letting others unkind words and criticisms hurt you, but to look to yourself for the truth: "If one throws salt at thee thou wilt receive no harm unless thou hast sore places" (Latin Proverb).

I don't need to let myself be abused by others, because I did my best, with true pure intentions. I can look at this whole situation and know I have taken the high road here, and let it go honorably and humbly. I am not beaten, I just choose to look at the truth of the situation and be grateful I can no longer be hurt because it doesn't matter any more. Its no longer my problem.