I just found out a boy I grew up with died suddenly this week. I remember him as an exuberant, mischievous boy, always with an impish smile, constantly in trouble with the teacher, but so sweet and funny, no one could stay mad at him. We lost touch as we grew up, but I always remembered his ready smile and his generous spirit.
As I read his obituary it got me to thinking about what my obituary would say if I were to die today. How would people remember me? How would I want them to remember me? I sat and meditated on this, and this is what I came up with:
Michelle Haunold passed away, and is survived by her large loving family and many friends. She loved life and opened her heart to all people, giving them many chances, even though some of those people caused great pain and hurt in her life.
Music and nature were her life blood, each providing a consistent base for her as she struggled to find her authentic voice and path in life. She lived joyously and openly, but also struggled to find her way, which led to her developing a deep faith in God later in life.
She was a passionate teacher, wanting to help others find their own truth, and their own way by sharing the joy of discovering one's own strengths. She was an avid Master Gardener who cared deeply about the Earth and environment, and strove to show others how they could make a difference by mindfully taking care of their own little plot of land.
She believed strongly in truth, integrity, honesty and justice and passionately encouraged others to own those qualities for themselves. She was fearless about speaking her truth and following her passions, and while it didn't always work out the way she planned, she never let fear stop her.
I am sure there's more I could write, but the things I care most about, I realize I've owned for myself, or want to own for myself. I want to live life fully, taking bites of everything that catches my attention. I want to try new things, and live as richly and exuberantly as I possibly can. I haven't done that yet.
As the saying goes, life is not a dress rehearsal. We get this lifetime to explore and to live. If I were to die today, would I have done and tried and thought and explored everything I wanted? I can answer this question today by saying no, there's much more I want to try. I've edited my life, and let fear stop me many times, but no more.
I have nothing to lose but fear itself, and honestly, I'm done with letting fear control my life: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of what others will think about me, fear about what I will think about myself.
Yes, I've made many mistakes. I've hurt people and let myself down. It was never intentionally or maliciously. But I see that these things happen to give me perspective, to act as guides along my path. It gives me a way to check in with myself and if I'm off the path then I can get back on by correcting my steps and my actions, and moving forward.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. I am looking at the upcoming new year with new eyes; what do I want to create for myself that will help me live fully, exuberantly, deliciously? I am taking this new year to further open and expand, and explore the miracle of my life that is waiting patiently for me.
Happy New Year!
