It's New Year's Eve Day, Dec 31 2010. As I sit here listening to Nawang Khechog, beautiful Tibetan flute music, I allow my mind to float over the past year. New Year's Eve is always a very magical, mystical time for me. I like looking back at how the year went, and many times, things I've forgotten about float into my awareness. This year was a pivotal year of change for me. I am not the same person here at the end of the year that I was when I started the year.
2010 began as a time filled with fear, uncertainty, grief and much trepidation. I was getting close to the end of the bankruptcy, but still had no idea what was going to happen with my business. I was excited though, as I was putting out another record with a band I still believed in, and even though they were acting like jerks, I still thought everything would be ok. It was just they were being affected by the uncertainty in my life. I was still taking responsibility for their feelings, which of course makes me laugh now as I look back, but then, I still felt a tremendous desire to "make it ok" for them.
I was still operating my life as I had, like a classic co-dependent in an unhealthy relationship. Only now, the relationship was between me and my business. No wonder it was in melt down mode! One of the best gifts I got at the beginning of the year , besides word that my bankruptcy was finalized, was a book called The Courage of Change, one of the Al Anon texts. I had finally reached a place in my life where I knew that I was truly, completely miserable. I had definitely hit bottom emotionally,and so, as often happens when one finally surrenders control, help arrived in the form of this book.
I didn't have anything else left to lose, and so I opened the book and read the entry for Jan 1, and read the words talking about recovery as a process, a day by day practice in taking action for ones' self to change the life you no longer are comfortable with. And thus, little by little, began a practice that would carry me through the turbulent months to come. I slowly started to allow my life to change as I faced the downsizing of my business through employees moving on, the realization that I no longer wanted to put all my energy into supporting a store front, the need to simplify my life. It had gotten completely out of control, unmanageable and overwhelming, and I was finally ready to face the fact that it no longer gave me any pleasure and I could just stop.
And my habit of trying to fix other people's lives when they reallly didn't want the help? Well, I got that message loud and clear when, despite my best efforts, the last band I was holding onto hired a lawyer to get their record back from me. They didn't even have the courage to tell me themselves. It was the last thread holding me to my old way of life, my old patterns.
And so, by the middle of the year, I finally said "screw you" to this last distraction, and started putting myself first. It began in little ways, with little daily actions, such as taking the time to sleep as much as my body needed, only working part time when I just felt too overwhelmed, taking the time to meditate and pray, and really ask The Universe for help and guidance.
Now, on the last day of the year, I look back over it, and almost don't recognize the woman I am now. I am no longer turning myself inside out for my business and for the people connected with that business. For the first time in a very long time, I am truly at peace, deeply content, and grateful for the calm that has entered my life. I still have a long way to go, but I understand now the ancient instructions "Be Here Now" or, live in the present moment. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and honestly, I don't really care. It will be what it will be. All I can do is check in with my body today, at this very moment, and see where I'm at. And that's good enough.
Tonight, I plan on taking 3 helium balloons and for each one, writing down a request for the feelings I want to fill my life with in 2011: peace, tranquility, grace, gratitude, abundance of blessings, love, delight, joy, harmonious relationships with all who enter my life.... you get the picture. Tie the pieces of paper with your requests to the string on each balloon, and let it go into the night. Let it go, and then pay attention in the year to come to see how your requests will manifest. I don't know how they will come to me, but again, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I ask for it, and then get out of the way and allow the Universe to give it to me, however it will come.
I found this year that by asking and surrendering, amazing things can happen to transform your life, but not necessarily in the ways you expect. At the beginning of this year, I was praying for all the misery to be gone. I was done. And now, on the last day of this year, I can laugh. My prayers were answered. It doesn't look at all like what I imagined it to look like, and its still unfolding, but the truth is, I got exactly what I asked for: peace, calm, miracles and a great deal of love and support.
Happy New Year. May 2011 unfold in delightfully unexpected ways for you all.
