It's been a few days since I've woken up with a song in my head. I haven't worried about it, it meant I got several good nights of deep healing sleep, which I was desperate for. But this morning, once again, there was a song, and it just happened to be from a band I put out a record for.
I Walk The Line are from Finland, and they're probably one of the best bands I've seen live. I am immensely proud of the record I released for them, Desolation Street in 2007 (Gearhead Records, RPM 071 www.gearheadrecords.com). Its dark and dreamy and melancholy, unlike anything else I've ever released, but speaks to my soul in so many ways, and is probably one of my favorite records I've released. This morning it was "When I'm Gone" that was in my head. I wondered why, since I haven't listened to the record for probably 6 months. And of course, I went and read the lyrics, and just had to laugh: it was there in black and white, (well, pale yellow and brown if you actually look at the record cover): all the internal stuff I've been struggling with these past few days. Here's the first line of the song:
You stuck a knife deep in my flesh again
You're twisting it around until I don't feel more pain.
You tore me up in pieces today.
I'm on the floor and you just walk over me
I don't know if I even care anymore
I'm beaten numb
I don't feel the pain at all
Dark right? But so intensely emotional, so hurt. People keep asking why I don't want to put any more records out, why I don't want to help bands anymore, and these words pretty much nail it in one fell swoop. I started this company because I wanted to help bands find a voice and get exposure. I wanted to use my skills and my talents to help them in a way they could never do themselves. I believed this so deeply in my core, that every single band I've signed, every single record I helped bring into this world, I believed this about. And almost every single time, it has backfired on me. And yet I kept going. Until now.
I had pretty much decided I wasn't going to spend my time and energy anymore on helping bands when I realized they didn't give a shit about me, or how their actions affected me. I realized finally that, while they said they wanted help, it wasn't really true. I was the one turning myself inside out to help people that didn't really want help. They were just along for the ride, driven by thoughts of fame and glory.
But there was one band who I thought was different. They seemed so down to earth, real people, wanting my help as much as I wanted to give it. They listened and followed my suggestions and guidance, until recently. And then the egos got in the way, like it always does. I've never lied to any of the bands I worked with; in fact, I was bluntly honest about the hard work it would take to move forward. I put my heart and soul into helping these guys, firmly believing we were a team working towards a common goal. But somehow, it all fell apart. They started believing things people were saying about me, and in turn, started acting like prima donnas. They were looking for something better.
It hurt, deeply. It is just like when a relationship breaks up, and you're left standing there going "what happened" ? There's nothing I can do to change their minds or fix this, and frankly, I don't want to. It is yet another blessing in disguise from the Universe, now freeing me to move on the way I had planned to and be free of the egos and irrationalities of dealing with bands and all their dramas. I am finally over it, and this was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back". I have no illusion or romance any more about this industry, and I can now wish them well, and walk away. I don't need this bullshit in my life. I'm much happier without it.
I was reading today's passage in the Al Anon book "Courage to Change" and interestingly enough, todays quote was about not letting others unkind words and criticisms hurt you, but to look to yourself for the truth: "If one throws salt at thee thou wilt receive no harm unless thou hast sore places" (Latin Proverb).
I don't need to let myself be abused by others, because I did my best, with true pure intentions. I can look at this whole situation and know I have taken the high road here, and let it go honorably and humbly. I am not beaten, I just choose to look at the truth of the situation and be grateful I can no longer be hurt because it doesn't matter any more. Its no longer my problem.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Life Uncommon
I just got back from a weekend in Boise, ID where my oldest nephew got married. It was an amazing weekend, and Boise is beautiful, filled with a rich blend of deciduous and evergreen trees, charming little houses and shops, and ringed by spectacular rugged hills and sagebrush.
I woke up with the song Life Uncommon by Jewel in my head, the melody soaring through my brain, but I couldn't remember the words at all, only the chorus, "lend our voices to the sounds of freedom."
As I've shared previously, I often wake up with songs reverberating in my mind, and if I dig a little bit, there's always a message that's pertinent to what I'm currently dealing with. In this case, it was the gift of this weekend that was really resonating with me.
I come from a large family, 4 girls, 3 boys. I'm 3rd oldest in this bunch. When you grow up there is always the problem of reverting back to those assigned family roles when you all get back together, even if you're all adults. Its probably why so many people dread holiday gatherings, where they are instantly shoved back into the roll they played as a child, even when they're 50.
Usually, as much as I love my family, this is exactly what happens when we all get together, and it leads to anger, frustration, and the overwhelming desire just to get the hell out of this nightmare and back to my own life, where I can be me, in the real world, with all my real accomplishments and passions and abilities intact, waiting for me to pick them back up again.
This weekend was different though. I went to this wedding with the desire to really see, really hear, who my siblings had become as adults, and allow them that chance to be who they are NOW, not who they were when we were children.
How amazing to look at my brothers and sisters with those new eyes. Who knew my baby sister was such an amazing dancer? Who knew my oldest brother was so sweet and so laid back? I sit and play through the various conversations I had this weekend, and am so grateful for the gift of time and growth, and change.
So how does this song apply to what I'm going through right now? I had to read the lyrics to really get the message, but its coming through loud and clear. "Set down your chains, until only faith remains. And lend your voices only to the sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery, and we shall lead a life uncommon"
Above anything else in our lives, we want our families to be proud of us, to love us and validate the things we've created for ourselves as adults. Even if its not who we were as children. We want the ability to grow and change and become new people. But so often, we are chained to the past, to old roles and habits and expectations, unable to grow in the eyes of our parents and siblings, always and forever stuck at who we were in the past.
Forever fighting and trying to prove something to the people we love and care about. No wonder so many of us move hundreds or thousands of miles away from our families. We have to, just to grow up and become the new people we were meant to be.
I was able to look at my siblings for the first time ever, and validate who they are as people, separate from the family and the choices they've made to pursue the lives they desire. And I was able to validate for myself the exact same thing. I am no longer that little kid, stuck in the middle, invisible and aching for attention, for validation for something I created, like an amazing poem, or straight A's, or a world famous record company.
By letting go of the chains that tie us to the past, we are free. Free to love and grow, free to discover new things that light our fire, like a passion for cars, or for dancing, or a deep appreciation for poetry, or a sardonic wit. Or a new passion for exercising, or horses or whatever! Things that weren't even a glimmer in our childhoods, but now fill our adult lives with joy. By letting go, and giving permission to those we love most in the world to change, we allow each other , but most of all ourselves, to live a life uncommon.
I woke up with the song Life Uncommon by Jewel in my head, the melody soaring through my brain, but I couldn't remember the words at all, only the chorus, "lend our voices to the sounds of freedom."
As I've shared previously, I often wake up with songs reverberating in my mind, and if I dig a little bit, there's always a message that's pertinent to what I'm currently dealing with. In this case, it was the gift of this weekend that was really resonating with me.
I come from a large family, 4 girls, 3 boys. I'm 3rd oldest in this bunch. When you grow up there is always the problem of reverting back to those assigned family roles when you all get back together, even if you're all adults. Its probably why so many people dread holiday gatherings, where they are instantly shoved back into the roll they played as a child, even when they're 50.
Usually, as much as I love my family, this is exactly what happens when we all get together, and it leads to anger, frustration, and the overwhelming desire just to get the hell out of this nightmare and back to my own life, where I can be me, in the real world, with all my real accomplishments and passions and abilities intact, waiting for me to pick them back up again.
This weekend was different though. I went to this wedding with the desire to really see, really hear, who my siblings had become as adults, and allow them that chance to be who they are NOW, not who they were when we were children.
How amazing to look at my brothers and sisters with those new eyes. Who knew my baby sister was such an amazing dancer? Who knew my oldest brother was so sweet and so laid back? I sit and play through the various conversations I had this weekend, and am so grateful for the gift of time and growth, and change.
So how does this song apply to what I'm going through right now? I had to read the lyrics to really get the message, but its coming through loud and clear. "Set down your chains, until only faith remains. And lend your voices only to the sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery, and we shall lead a life uncommon"
Above anything else in our lives, we want our families to be proud of us, to love us and validate the things we've created for ourselves as adults. Even if its not who we were as children. We want the ability to grow and change and become new people. But so often, we are chained to the past, to old roles and habits and expectations, unable to grow in the eyes of our parents and siblings, always and forever stuck at who we were in the past.
Forever fighting and trying to prove something to the people we love and care about. No wonder so many of us move hundreds or thousands of miles away from our families. We have to, just to grow up and become the new people we were meant to be.
I was able to look at my siblings for the first time ever, and validate who they are as people, separate from the family and the choices they've made to pursue the lives they desire. And I was able to validate for myself the exact same thing. I am no longer that little kid, stuck in the middle, invisible and aching for attention, for validation for something I created, like an amazing poem, or straight A's, or a world famous record company.
By letting go of the chains that tie us to the past, we are free. Free to love and grow, free to discover new things that light our fire, like a passion for cars, or for dancing, or a deep appreciation for poetry, or a sardonic wit. Or a new passion for exercising, or horses or whatever! Things that weren't even a glimmer in our childhoods, but now fill our adult lives with joy. By letting go, and giving permission to those we love most in the world to change, we allow each other , but most of all ourselves, to live a life uncommon.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Moving past resentment
I am listening to "Chant" by the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo De Silos. Its beautiful, peaceful, ethereal. It perfectly suits the mood I woke up in this morning. For the first time in a long time, I am filled with peace. And I'm very grateful for this miracle.
I went to bed in a state of agitation last night. I fell asleep praying for help to just end this resentment and anger that has been boiling my blood for the last few weeks. I was so tired of it, and nothing I was doing seemed to help.
I've been reading many spiritual texts lately, seeking answers and understanding, and the common theme in all of them, Buddhist, Christian, New Age, Metaphysical, all seems to be forgiveness as a way of letting go and moving on. But how does one forgive something so egregious as betrayal of trust?
I was going through some pretty rough times back in 1996 when my then-husband was in rehab. It was suggested to me over and over again that I should begin attending Al Anon meetings to get some help and support. I went to several meetings, but couldn't take the whining, poor pitiful me attitudes of people who felt like victims. So I never bothered to go back. I could deal with this myself.
Its only been recently that I started reading one of the handbooks "Courage to Change." It makes so much more sense to me now, looking back at my life, the twists and turns that its taken, and the stuff that was "done to me". Only now am I realizing I've been living like a victim all these years, and when you're in that state, you'll never be able to move past resentment into forgiveness.
So it was with a great deal of ironic humor that I realized when I woke up this morning, I finally get it. The reading for today was on letting go of resentment, because it keeps you stuck in the moment of pain, stuck in the act of being a victim. But how do you forgive when you can't forget? When you stew in anger and resentment, furious that it has happened yet again?
I've had alot of really shitty things happen to me over the years: girlfriends stealing boyfriends, abuse, betrayal, being physically assaulted with a knife by someone I trusted and loved, lied to and cheated, taken advantage of....all by people I trusted... blah blah blah, the list could go on and on. We've all had this shit happen, but how we chose to deal with it is the real test of character.
This morning I realized I really could just let it all go, by simply chosing not to be a victim to circumstances anymore. I could forgive these many many people who have hurt me deeply, but by forgiving it, I was not condoning their horrible behavior. I was just chosing to no longer allow it to affect me in a negative manner. A meadowlark started singing outside my open patio door. And that's when the chanting of the monks popped into my head.
Their music is so incredible, so peaceful. I remember when this record came out back in 1993. It caused a huge stir in the music industry, hitting the top of the charts on the Billboard pop charts. It was all anyone could talk about. I was working at a record store on Haight Street, Reckless Records, and we couldn't keep this record in stock, selling probably 20 or 30 copies a week. It was insane. Of course, I listened to it at the time, but didn't get it. Who in their right mind would consciously put something that slow and boring on? It makes me laugh now to remember my mystification about this record.
I think its like wine. You have to grow up some and have some life experience before you can really appreciate a good glass of red wine. Or jazz. There are some things in life you just have to be a bit more mature to get.
Forgiveness is like that. This morning, it clicked. Just like that. And the Monks of Santo Domingo De Silos, their music makes perfect sense to me now. It is soaring, freeing, reaching skyward, to the limitless blue stretching above. Heavenly. Peaceful.
And that's what it feels like to finally reach this place of understanding, releasing the resentment and anger that has clogged my mind and soul. I'm done. Its gone. Those people who perpetrated these hateful acts have to deal with it in their own way. I'm done.
I went to bed in a state of agitation last night. I fell asleep praying for help to just end this resentment and anger that has been boiling my blood for the last few weeks. I was so tired of it, and nothing I was doing seemed to help.
I've been reading many spiritual texts lately, seeking answers and understanding, and the common theme in all of them, Buddhist, Christian, New Age, Metaphysical, all seems to be forgiveness as a way of letting go and moving on. But how does one forgive something so egregious as betrayal of trust?
I was going through some pretty rough times back in 1996 when my then-husband was in rehab. It was suggested to me over and over again that I should begin attending Al Anon meetings to get some help and support. I went to several meetings, but couldn't take the whining, poor pitiful me attitudes of people who felt like victims. So I never bothered to go back. I could deal with this myself.
Its only been recently that I started reading one of the handbooks "Courage to Change." It makes so much more sense to me now, looking back at my life, the twists and turns that its taken, and the stuff that was "done to me". Only now am I realizing I've been living like a victim all these years, and when you're in that state, you'll never be able to move past resentment into forgiveness.
So it was with a great deal of ironic humor that I realized when I woke up this morning, I finally get it. The reading for today was on letting go of resentment, because it keeps you stuck in the moment of pain, stuck in the act of being a victim. But how do you forgive when you can't forget? When you stew in anger and resentment, furious that it has happened yet again?
I've had alot of really shitty things happen to me over the years: girlfriends stealing boyfriends, abuse, betrayal, being physically assaulted with a knife by someone I trusted and loved, lied to and cheated, taken advantage of....all by people I trusted... blah blah blah, the list could go on and on. We've all had this shit happen, but how we chose to deal with it is the real test of character.
This morning I realized I really could just let it all go, by simply chosing not to be a victim to circumstances anymore. I could forgive these many many people who have hurt me deeply, but by forgiving it, I was not condoning their horrible behavior. I was just chosing to no longer allow it to affect me in a negative manner. A meadowlark started singing outside my open patio door. And that's when the chanting of the monks popped into my head.
Their music is so incredible, so peaceful. I remember when this record came out back in 1993. It caused a huge stir in the music industry, hitting the top of the charts on the Billboard pop charts. It was all anyone could talk about. I was working at a record store on Haight Street, Reckless Records, and we couldn't keep this record in stock, selling probably 20 or 30 copies a week. It was insane. Of course, I listened to it at the time, but didn't get it. Who in their right mind would consciously put something that slow and boring on? It makes me laugh now to remember my mystification about this record.
I think its like wine. You have to grow up some and have some life experience before you can really appreciate a good glass of red wine. Or jazz. There are some things in life you just have to be a bit more mature to get.
Forgiveness is like that. This morning, it clicked. Just like that. And the Monks of Santo Domingo De Silos, their music makes perfect sense to me now. It is soaring, freeing, reaching skyward, to the limitless blue stretching above. Heavenly. Peaceful.
And that's what it feels like to finally reach this place of understanding, releasing the resentment and anger that has clogged my mind and soul. I'm done. Its gone. Those people who perpetrated these hateful acts have to deal with it in their own way. I'm done.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Downshifting
As 2010 got under way, I began to realize that my life needed some major changes. The bankruptcy was the wake up call, but learning to apply that eye-opening experience to the rest of my life, not just my finances was more of a challenge than I thought it would be.
When you've lived your entire life pushing forward, following your passion no matter what, its easy sometimes to get lost, which is exactly what had happened to me. Have you ever been in a pool swimming, eyes closed, focused on moving yourself across the water with perfect over-head strokes, breathe, stoke, breathe, kick.... thinking you're going forward in a perfectly straight line, only to crash into the side of the pool, not realizing you had veered wildly off-course and weren't going forward at all? Well, that's what this last year has been like for me.
So as I started looking at my life, trying to see what was robbing me of my time, money, and peace, I realized it was the entire business I was in. The music business is all about forward motion: kick kick kick, stroke stroke stoke. Move forward, make a new record, never stop moving, never stop putting out or creating something new. There was always something new to create, something to prove. It wasn't until I celebrated the 10 year anniversary of my record company that I realized, that whole mindset didn't work for me anymore.
I had never stopped to enjoy what I had created, never stopped to be proud of the cool new record that I put out, that never would have existed in the world if I hadn't done it. I just never stopped!
Standing there, appreciating the people appreciating what I had created, I suddenly realized, I couldn't do this any more. I needed to stop swimming. It was killing me. And it wasn't fun any more. I hardly even listened to the records I had spent so much energy on. I started this whole company because it was fun, and music was my passion. It was never supposed to be about work.
So I conciously made the choice to downshift. I chose to close my store, although it was tremendously fun, and cute and successful, it wasn't helping me achieve the balance in my life I was seeking. I had to put out a tremendous amount of energy to keep it the way I created it, and the payback didn't really make the expense worth it.
People thought I was crazy, and maybe I was. But I needed to start eliminating things from my life that were distracting and pulling at me. I knew in my gut the store was the first thing that had to go. Next was finding a smaller location to run my business from.
While having the 3500 square foot warehouse was nice, and I felt "successful" for having found such an awesome place for such a good price, it too pulled at my energy constantly. I could never relax when I was there, never really get into the flow of the day. There was no sunlight, no fresh air. It was like being in a walk in cooler all day, and I was suffocating.
My new space is much much smaller, only 600 square feet, but its bright, filled with sunlight, with lots of windows that open for fresh air. I'm surrounded by beautiful trees and flowers, and vibrant businesses. And I continue to downshift. I've made the decision to no longer put out new records, but instead to focus on working with what I spent all this time creating.
Again, people are aghast. What, a record label that isn't putting out new records? What's wrong with you? You have such a cool business, how could you just stop? This seems to be the general reaction when I tell people what I'm doing. And its been a struggle not to get sucked back into the whole game, to not feel guilty for no longer wanting to "help" bands by putting out their record. I'm still getting sent lots of demos, and I still see bands play that I think, "oh, I could put out a great record for them."
But the truth is, I'm much happier no longer spending my time constantly explaining to new bands what they need to do to "make it" in this crazy industry. I am finally getting a chance to focus on the stuff I already did, learning to promote those records in fascinating new ways that the internet and digital age are providing. I actually have time to enjoy myself these days, to literally stop and smell the roses! I have time to spend with friends now, to attend weddings and travel!
My boyfriend's parents were in town visiting last week, and I was able to take a day off just to spend time with them, just because I could. And every Weds, the local farmers' market meets just up the street in a beautiful park, and I close up the office and wander up to check out what fresh fruit or flowers are available.
I have gone from 5th gear overdrive to 2nd gear, and I'm loving it. Life is so much more satisfying these days. I don't have excuses anymore to avoid meeting up with my friends for lunch, or to not go to a movie with my sweetheart. The slower pace has allowed me to start learning some new skills, pursue new creative ideas, and really really listen to the music that I have helped create.
I find my life is so much richer and more satisfying now that I've stopped chasing "success". I no longer have anything to prove. I am happy and content for the first time in many many years, and am grateful for the opportunity to just step back and let life and business flow around me.
When you've lived your entire life pushing forward, following your passion no matter what, its easy sometimes to get lost, which is exactly what had happened to me. Have you ever been in a pool swimming, eyes closed, focused on moving yourself across the water with perfect over-head strokes, breathe, stoke, breathe, kick.... thinking you're going forward in a perfectly straight line, only to crash into the side of the pool, not realizing you had veered wildly off-course and weren't going forward at all? Well, that's what this last year has been like for me.
So as I started looking at my life, trying to see what was robbing me of my time, money, and peace, I realized it was the entire business I was in. The music business is all about forward motion: kick kick kick, stroke stroke stoke. Move forward, make a new record, never stop moving, never stop putting out or creating something new. There was always something new to create, something to prove. It wasn't until I celebrated the 10 year anniversary of my record company that I realized, that whole mindset didn't work for me anymore.
I had never stopped to enjoy what I had created, never stopped to be proud of the cool new record that I put out, that never would have existed in the world if I hadn't done it. I just never stopped!
Standing there, appreciating the people appreciating what I had created, I suddenly realized, I couldn't do this any more. I needed to stop swimming. It was killing me. And it wasn't fun any more. I hardly even listened to the records I had spent so much energy on. I started this whole company because it was fun, and music was my passion. It was never supposed to be about work.
So I conciously made the choice to downshift. I chose to close my store, although it was tremendously fun, and cute and successful, it wasn't helping me achieve the balance in my life I was seeking. I had to put out a tremendous amount of energy to keep it the way I created it, and the payback didn't really make the expense worth it.
People thought I was crazy, and maybe I was. But I needed to start eliminating things from my life that were distracting and pulling at me. I knew in my gut the store was the first thing that had to go. Next was finding a smaller location to run my business from.
While having the 3500 square foot warehouse was nice, and I felt "successful" for having found such an awesome place for such a good price, it too pulled at my energy constantly. I could never relax when I was there, never really get into the flow of the day. There was no sunlight, no fresh air. It was like being in a walk in cooler all day, and I was suffocating.
My new space is much much smaller, only 600 square feet, but its bright, filled with sunlight, with lots of windows that open for fresh air. I'm surrounded by beautiful trees and flowers, and vibrant businesses. And I continue to downshift. I've made the decision to no longer put out new records, but instead to focus on working with what I spent all this time creating.
Again, people are aghast. What, a record label that isn't putting out new records? What's wrong with you? You have such a cool business, how could you just stop? This seems to be the general reaction when I tell people what I'm doing. And its been a struggle not to get sucked back into the whole game, to not feel guilty for no longer wanting to "help" bands by putting out their record. I'm still getting sent lots of demos, and I still see bands play that I think, "oh, I could put out a great record for them."
But the truth is, I'm much happier no longer spending my time constantly explaining to new bands what they need to do to "make it" in this crazy industry. I am finally getting a chance to focus on the stuff I already did, learning to promote those records in fascinating new ways that the internet and digital age are providing. I actually have time to enjoy myself these days, to literally stop and smell the roses! I have time to spend with friends now, to attend weddings and travel!
My boyfriend's parents were in town visiting last week, and I was able to take a day off just to spend time with them, just because I could. And every Weds, the local farmers' market meets just up the street in a beautiful park, and I close up the office and wander up to check out what fresh fruit or flowers are available.
I have gone from 5th gear overdrive to 2nd gear, and I'm loving it. Life is so much more satisfying these days. I don't have excuses anymore to avoid meeting up with my friends for lunch, or to not go to a movie with my sweetheart. The slower pace has allowed me to start learning some new skills, pursue new creative ideas, and really really listen to the music that I have helped create.
I find my life is so much richer and more satisfying now that I've stopped chasing "success". I no longer have anything to prove. I am happy and content for the first time in many many years, and am grateful for the opportunity to just step back and let life and business flow around me.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Send a Message to my Heart
I haven't felt like writing for a while. Its been a few weeks of turbulent self examination, personal inventory and owning that I have made many many mistakes along the way. I woke up with the Dwight Yoakam song "Send a Message To My Heart" in my mind, and I had to laugh at how appropriate those words are.
As I've written about previously, the end of 2009 saw me having to face the fact that my life was completely out of control. I was in financial ruin, and emotional as well as physical bankruptcy. Now, a year later, I can look back and acknowledge that this was probably one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. It was the frying pan upside my head that finally got me to let go of trying to control everything, and just surrender. I was done.
The funny thing is, as I look back over my life, it seems the only way my heart really knows when I'm finished with something is when its gotten to the point of extreme melt-down, pain, despair and hopelessness. Its the only way the message could cut through all the garbage of self-abuse, and ignoring reality. When my heart finally gets the message, "Enough is Enough" that's when miracles occur. But wow, I think I'm done with the drama now. I am ready to pay attention and get messages in a totally different way!
For example, when I was trying to decide about leaving my abusive marriage, I kept telling myself, "just give him another chance." But honestly, how many chances can you give someone? I'd lived for over 6 years with this crap, and while I am always the eternal optimist, I really needed to face the reality of the situation. It wasn't going to get better, no matter how many chances I gave him. And so I left. And while it was one of the most painful decisions I've ever made, and I felt like a failure, out of that decision I created a brand new life for myself by creating a record company, and a fresh new path. The phoenix rising from the ashes really was my life.
The same thing happened over again when things were not going well with my business partner, and we began chaffing at the restraints we were each imposing on eachother. Interestingly enough, that was also 6 years into the business when I finally couldn't take it anymore, and walked away. Again, the pain I felt was unbearable. I was frightened and hurting and again, started the self-abuse talk about being a failure. But out of that decision, I took some major chances that were incredible joyful, successful and fun, like opening my store.
And now here I am, a year after filing for bankruptcy, looking at everything I've worked for over the last 10 years go up in smoke. Boy, if you think the pain I felt over those first two scenarios was painful, let me tell you, bankruptcy is probably the worst experience I've ever gone through, emotionally, physically, psychologically. But again, as I get some distance from it, the whole thing has filled my life with tremendous blessings and gifts that I never would have been open to if it hadn't forced such a huge change in my life.
My life now is filled with peace, grace, and hope. I'm experimenting with creating again. I'm starting to try the fabulous things I've wanted to try but never had time to do because I was so focused on "saving" my business. And best of all, by letting go and saying "enough is enough", I've opened myself up to experiences I never imagined bringing into my life, and its wonderful.
That Dwight Yoakam song is really a love song, between two lovers who are separated by distance, but trust they are there for each other, no matter what. I'm finding that I've given myself that gift of love by starting to listen to my deepest inner voice. My heart always knew the right path, and now I'm finally getting the message and am allowing trust and faith to guide me. This next resurrection, the new phoenix rising, will be incredible, what ever it is. My heart will get the message.
As I've written about previously, the end of 2009 saw me having to face the fact that my life was completely out of control. I was in financial ruin, and emotional as well as physical bankruptcy. Now, a year later, I can look back and acknowledge that this was probably one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. It was the frying pan upside my head that finally got me to let go of trying to control everything, and just surrender. I was done.
The funny thing is, as I look back over my life, it seems the only way my heart really knows when I'm finished with something is when its gotten to the point of extreme melt-down, pain, despair and hopelessness. Its the only way the message could cut through all the garbage of self-abuse, and ignoring reality. When my heart finally gets the message, "Enough is Enough" that's when miracles occur. But wow, I think I'm done with the drama now. I am ready to pay attention and get messages in a totally different way!
For example, when I was trying to decide about leaving my abusive marriage, I kept telling myself, "just give him another chance." But honestly, how many chances can you give someone? I'd lived for over 6 years with this crap, and while I am always the eternal optimist, I really needed to face the reality of the situation. It wasn't going to get better, no matter how many chances I gave him. And so I left. And while it was one of the most painful decisions I've ever made, and I felt like a failure, out of that decision I created a brand new life for myself by creating a record company, and a fresh new path. The phoenix rising from the ashes really was my life.
The same thing happened over again when things were not going well with my business partner, and we began chaffing at the restraints we were each imposing on eachother. Interestingly enough, that was also 6 years into the business when I finally couldn't take it anymore, and walked away. Again, the pain I felt was unbearable. I was frightened and hurting and again, started the self-abuse talk about being a failure. But out of that decision, I took some major chances that were incredible joyful, successful and fun, like opening my store.
And now here I am, a year after filing for bankruptcy, looking at everything I've worked for over the last 10 years go up in smoke. Boy, if you think the pain I felt over those first two scenarios was painful, let me tell you, bankruptcy is probably the worst experience I've ever gone through, emotionally, physically, psychologically. But again, as I get some distance from it, the whole thing has filled my life with tremendous blessings and gifts that I never would have been open to if it hadn't forced such a huge change in my life.
My life now is filled with peace, grace, and hope. I'm experimenting with creating again. I'm starting to try the fabulous things I've wanted to try but never had time to do because I was so focused on "saving" my business. And best of all, by letting go and saying "enough is enough", I've opened myself up to experiences I never imagined bringing into my life, and its wonderful.
That Dwight Yoakam song is really a love song, between two lovers who are separated by distance, but trust they are there for each other, no matter what. I'm finding that I've given myself that gift of love by starting to listen to my deepest inner voice. My heart always knew the right path, and now I'm finally getting the message and am allowing trust and faith to guide me. This next resurrection, the new phoenix rising, will be incredible, what ever it is. My heart will get the message.
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