Send a Message to my Heart

I haven't felt like writing for a while. Its been a few weeks of turbulent self examination, personal inventory and owning that I have made many many mistakes along the way. I woke up with the Dwight Yoakam song "Send a Message To My Heart" in my mind, and I had to laugh at how appropriate those words are.

As I've written about previously, the end of 2009 saw me having to face the fact that my life was completely out of control. I was in financial ruin, and emotional as well as physical bankruptcy. Now, a year later, I can look back and acknowledge that this was probably one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. It was the frying pan upside my head that finally got me to let go of trying to control everything, and just surrender. I was done.

The funny thing is, as I look back over my life, it seems the only way my heart really knows when I'm finished with something is when its gotten to the point of extreme melt-down, pain, despair and hopelessness. Its the only way the message could cut through all the garbage of self-abuse, and ignoring reality. When my heart finally gets the message, "Enough is Enough" that's when miracles occur. But wow, I think I'm done with the drama now. I am ready to pay attention and get messages in a totally different way!

For example, when I was trying to decide about leaving my abusive marriage, I kept telling myself, "just give him another chance." But honestly, how many chances can you give someone? I'd lived for over 6 years with this crap, and while I am always the eternal optimist, I really needed to face the reality of the situation. It wasn't going to get better, no matter how many chances I gave him. And so I left. And while it was one of the most painful decisions I've ever made, and I felt like a failure, out of that decision I created a brand new life for myself by creating a record company, and a fresh new path. The phoenix rising from the ashes really was my life.

The same thing happened over again when things were not going well with my business partner, and we began chaffing at the restraints we were each imposing on eachother. Interestingly enough, that was also 6 years into the business when I finally couldn't take it anymore, and walked away. Again, the pain I felt was unbearable. I was frightened and hurting and again, started the self-abuse talk about being a failure. But out of that decision, I took some major chances that were incredible joyful, successful and fun, like opening my store.

And now here I am, a year after filing for bankruptcy, looking at everything I've worked for over the last 10 years go up in smoke. Boy, if you think the pain I felt over those first two scenarios was painful, let me tell you, bankruptcy is probably the worst experience I've ever gone through, emotionally, physically, psychologically. But again, as I get some distance from it, the whole thing has filled my life with tremendous blessings and gifts that I never would have been open to if it hadn't forced such a huge change in my life.

My life now is filled with peace, grace, and hope. I'm experimenting with creating again. I'm starting to try the fabulous things I've wanted to try but never had time to do because I was so focused on "saving" my business. And best of all, by letting go and saying "enough is enough", I've opened myself up to experiences I never imagined bringing into my life, and its wonderful.

That Dwight Yoakam song is really a love song, between two lovers who are separated by distance, but trust they are there for each other, no matter what. I'm finding that I've given myself that gift of love by starting to listen to my deepest inner voice. My heart always knew the right path, and now I'm finally getting the message and am allowing trust and faith to guide me. This next resurrection, the new phoenix rising, will be incredible, what ever it is. My heart will get the message.