I woke up with "Windfall" by Son Volt in my head this morning. Actually, I woke up to a very loud crow cawing outside of my bedroom window, and as I slowly gained conciousness, the song started playing in my head.
As I've mentioned before, I often wake up with songs in my head and I've found that if I pay attention to the lyrics, there's generally some message there for me that pertains to something going on in my life.
I know this sounds really out there, but I've learned to trust it and not shine it on. We're constantly getting guidance from our surroundings in one form or another. It just takes us paying attention, and slowing down enough to "get it".
The song's opening lines are:
Now and then it keeps you running
It never seems to die
The trail's spent with fear
Not enough living on the outside
Never seem to get far enough
Staying in between the lines
Hold on to what you can
Waiting for the end
Not knowing when
Its from an album called "Trace" that came out in 1995. This record has played a major part in my romantic life over the years. The year this record came out, I was first considering leaving my husband. He was wasted all the time, out of work, and a real emotional drain. He was also verbally abusive, and I was losing all sense of myself. I went to Minneapolis for a week to visit my friend Mark about a week after this record came out. We played it over and over again, and I cried as I told him what was going on in my life.
Now what does any of this have to do with me today? Well, alot actually. The emotional space I was in back in 1995 was turbulent to put it mildly. I was getting a pretty strong feeling I needed to leave my marriage, but I was plagued with fear and guilt and "what ifs", knowing I needed to make some pretty major changes in my life, but too scared to take that first step.
Its a very similar state of emotional turbulence for me in present time. Fear has kept me stuck, kept me running in between the lines. Knowing I needed to step outside of what has been a safe if very unsatisfying existence, and take a chance on the unknown.
These last few days, I've come to notice that little voice inside that is judgmental and critical, popping up everytime I decide to do something that might piss people off, or worse, make them think I'm losing it. Fear is the underlying emotion that drives that voice. "What if you make a mistake" "What will poeple think".... that sort of stuff.
But I am seeing the only way to get those voices to shut up is to have courage and listen to my inner guidance that never seems to fail me, as long as I trust it and take a leap of faith. I'm tired of always doing what other people think I should, just because it will make their life easier. What about me? What about my life? What about what I want?
So I make a decision that doesn't work for other people. What's that to me? I have to face the fear and make decisions for me, based on trusting I know what's best for me. That's all I can work on. Me. I can't change what other people think, and I certainly can't make them be ok with the decisions I'm making. Its not my problem. They have to figure that out for themselves. So they make a really bad decision and think I'm supposed to turn myself inside out to make it right for them. Its not my job to fix other people's lives, and I don't expect them to fix mine.
Only I can do that. Only I can face the fear, trust myself and drive out side of the lines, my hands firmly on the wheel, with faith as my guide that I'm going somewhere new, and will leave the fear behind.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Roy Rogers is Riding Tonight
For the last few days, I've been waking up with the Elton John song "Roy Rogers' in my head. Usually, there's a pretty clear message for me in the songs I wake up with, but for the life of me, I couldn't get what the message was in this song. I figured it was just one of those weird things that sometimes happens with songs, when they get stuck in your head for no obvious reason.
But once again this morning, there it was, foremost in my brain as I slowly pulled myself from a deep restful sleep. So finally, after coffee and listening to my Tibetan meditation CD, I put the record on.
Elton John has always been one of my favorite artists. When I was 15, he was hitting big all over the radio, and me and my best friend Chris would get together to play his records, make up dances to go with the songs, and practice playing them on the piano.
I was still taking classical piano lessons at that time, and was so taken with his piano playing that I talked my teacher into letting me play a song for her, hoping to move onto more contemporary music. Beethoven and Mozart were great and all that, but I couldn't really see how it fit into my teenage life. I wanted to play something I could relate to and share with my friends!
So, begrudgingly, she told me I could chose one song and play it for her, and if she thought it had value, then we could look at working on more pop music. I chose "Funeral For a Friend" since it had such great long complicated piano parts; I was sure she'd be impressed and we'd start working on new material right away.
I played with heart and passion and conviction; it was one of my favorite songs, and I really wanted to do it justice. When I was done, I sat back and waited expectantly for the praise I was sure was coming. Instead, I got such an earful of criticism and judgement, I almost cried. Needless to say, she swore we would NEVER work on pop music. I went home and told my mom that was it, I was done with lessons, and promptly quit playing for almost 30 years.
So how does the song "Roy Rogers" fit into all this? Well, first off, its on the same record as "Funeral for a Friend". They're almost book ends to the double LP, "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road", one opening the record and the other closing it out. I get the message now, having listened to the entire album, and remembering this story of playing for Mrs. Mitchell. Bless her heart, what did she know? She thought she was doing me a favor, and instead, she crushed my dreams of being a pop musician.
The song opens with the lines:
Sometimes you dream
Sometimes it seems
There's nothing there at all.
You just seem older
than yesterday.
And you're waiting for tomorrow to call.
Its a song of dreams that died on the vine, visions of a magical tomorrow that never happened because real life stepped in. Instead, you think back to what you longed for as a child or teenager and watch movies and read books about other people who had the courage to pursue their dreams, no matter what criticism they hit. Roy Rogers and Trigger became a big hit, despite all the odds they faced. This song is a man sitting watching TV in the dark, dreaming his unfulfilled dreams of childhood, sure that he has missed his chance, and has to accept the drudgery of his life, waking up, going to work, eating food that he doesn't like, and escaping to watch a cowboy show on TV, imagining himself dressed up in the spangled clothing of a rodeo star while his wife and children sleep in the next room.
How sad, and how depressing. Its never too late to change your mind and pursue your dreams, no matter where you are in life or what your circumstances are. Dreams are what makes like exciting, and magical and worth living. You can always pick up where you left off in childhood. You just have to have the courage to face something that you thought was dead in you, or something you think no way in a million years could you do that now.
Me, I'm starting to play my piano again. My mom bought me a used piano for my 40th birthday, and its sat in my living room for the last 6 years. I've touched it occasionally these last few years, but never wanted to really sit down and feel the love I had for playing. I was too afraid of the judgement that might follow. But these last few months, I've been playing a little here and there, and have even started singing again, although totally in the privacy of my home, when no one is around to hear me.
Up until recently, my boyfriend had never even knew I could play. I never talked to him about it, much less played in front of him. But a few months ago, he wanted to hear Ozzy's "Changes" so I dug up the sheet music and played it for him. No judgement followed, just enthusiasm. Now he wants me to teach him the chords so he can try too. Its become this fun thing between us to practice "Changes". Maybe soon, I'll even be brave enough to sing it while playing it. I get a good laugh thinking about that. Its never too late to reclaim your passion. Let go of the fear and go for it.
But once again this morning, there it was, foremost in my brain as I slowly pulled myself from a deep restful sleep. So finally, after coffee and listening to my Tibetan meditation CD, I put the record on.
Elton John has always been one of my favorite artists. When I was 15, he was hitting big all over the radio, and me and my best friend Chris would get together to play his records, make up dances to go with the songs, and practice playing them on the piano.
I was still taking classical piano lessons at that time, and was so taken with his piano playing that I talked my teacher into letting me play a song for her, hoping to move onto more contemporary music. Beethoven and Mozart were great and all that, but I couldn't really see how it fit into my teenage life. I wanted to play something I could relate to and share with my friends!
So, begrudgingly, she told me I could chose one song and play it for her, and if she thought it had value, then we could look at working on more pop music. I chose "Funeral For a Friend" since it had such great long complicated piano parts; I was sure she'd be impressed and we'd start working on new material right away.
I played with heart and passion and conviction; it was one of my favorite songs, and I really wanted to do it justice. When I was done, I sat back and waited expectantly for the praise I was sure was coming. Instead, I got such an earful of criticism and judgement, I almost cried. Needless to say, she swore we would NEVER work on pop music. I went home and told my mom that was it, I was done with lessons, and promptly quit playing for almost 30 years.
So how does the song "Roy Rogers" fit into all this? Well, first off, its on the same record as "Funeral for a Friend". They're almost book ends to the double LP, "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road", one opening the record and the other closing it out. I get the message now, having listened to the entire album, and remembering this story of playing for Mrs. Mitchell. Bless her heart, what did she know? She thought she was doing me a favor, and instead, she crushed my dreams of being a pop musician.
The song opens with the lines:
Sometimes you dream
Sometimes it seems
There's nothing there at all.
You just seem older
than yesterday.
And you're waiting for tomorrow to call.
Its a song of dreams that died on the vine, visions of a magical tomorrow that never happened because real life stepped in. Instead, you think back to what you longed for as a child or teenager and watch movies and read books about other people who had the courage to pursue their dreams, no matter what criticism they hit. Roy Rogers and Trigger became a big hit, despite all the odds they faced. This song is a man sitting watching TV in the dark, dreaming his unfulfilled dreams of childhood, sure that he has missed his chance, and has to accept the drudgery of his life, waking up, going to work, eating food that he doesn't like, and escaping to watch a cowboy show on TV, imagining himself dressed up in the spangled clothing of a rodeo star while his wife and children sleep in the next room.
How sad, and how depressing. Its never too late to change your mind and pursue your dreams, no matter where you are in life or what your circumstances are. Dreams are what makes like exciting, and magical and worth living. You can always pick up where you left off in childhood. You just have to have the courage to face something that you thought was dead in you, or something you think no way in a million years could you do that now.
Me, I'm starting to play my piano again. My mom bought me a used piano for my 40th birthday, and its sat in my living room for the last 6 years. I've touched it occasionally these last few years, but never wanted to really sit down and feel the love I had for playing. I was too afraid of the judgement that might follow. But these last few months, I've been playing a little here and there, and have even started singing again, although totally in the privacy of my home, when no one is around to hear me.
Up until recently, my boyfriend had never even knew I could play. I never talked to him about it, much less played in front of him. But a few months ago, he wanted to hear Ozzy's "Changes" so I dug up the sheet music and played it for him. No judgement followed, just enthusiasm. Now he wants me to teach him the chords so he can try too. Its become this fun thing between us to practice "Changes". Maybe soon, I'll even be brave enough to sing it while playing it. I get a good laugh thinking about that. Its never too late to reclaim your passion. Let go of the fear and go for it.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Waving, not Drowning
Bill and I went to a water park this last Wednesday. I have been feeling so exhausted, so overwhelmed with the move, and trying to set up my new space and figure out what I was doing. Suffocating would be a better word. Have you ever been surfing and been hit by a wave that sent you reeling? Then you're caught up in the turbulence of the wave, like being stuck in the spin cycle in a washing machine, and you don't know which end is up. Well, that's been my life since I made the decision to close the store and start downshifting my business. I just couldn't do anything any more. My brain was on burnout, and I just needed a day away to play and just have some fun.
Excitedly we got to the park, uncertain what we would find, but eagerly anticipating a day splashing about in the water. I was a bit nervous, not sure how I would deal with the enclosed nature of some of the slides, since I had just recently become aware I have claustrophobia. But Bill was all gung ho and ready to just jump onto the first slide we came to and get the day moving. I made him promise we would start with the gentle slides first so I could work up to it, thinking that meant we would go on The Lazy River or the Wave Pool first.
But no, he headed right for the Half Pipe slide. It didn't look so bad, so I agreed, and we climbed up to the top of the stairs, each with our rubber floaty ready to go down the slide. I went first, totally oblivious to the terror that was about to seize my soul.
I sat down on the floaty and waited for the life guard to tell me it was time to go. I should have gotten a clue that I might be in for more than I bargained for when I noticed he was strapped into a climbing harness, with a rope fastened to the side of the security fence. It didn't really register until he pushed me off the edge of the slide, and I dropped straight down, with a scream erupting unvolintarily from my throat, conveying the sheer terror my body was experiencing.
I hit the bottom of the half pipe and shot up the other side, screaming like a maniac the whole way. When I hit the top of the other side, the rubber floaty plunged me back down again, backwards, another scream erupting from the depths of my lungs.
And then it was done, and I was sitting in the middle of a pool of water, laughing hysterically, and shaking and ready to do it all over again. I had found my metaphor for my life this last year.
And thus we spent almost 4 insanely fun, hysterically crazy, scary hours dropping over the sides of cliffs into pools of water, over and over and over again putting ourselves in harms way as far as our bodies knew, and ending up laughing and giggling like little kids. I haven't laughed that hard or smiled that much since I can remember.
I was writing about this in my journal just this morning, and it dawned on me that I have experienced this terror, this fear, every single day since I first admitted I was no longer in control of my life and filed bankruptcy.
Every day has been like being on a water slide, and sometimes those days have stretched into months of panic and fear. But always, 100 % of the time, when I have just given up and went with it, and let myself feel the panic, the terror and the out of controlness of it all, I have come out the other end, laughing, peaceful, and filled with gratitude that I could look back and see that I had the courage to face it head on. And when I did that, I always came out ok, and always with a resolution that was unexpectedly joyful and pleasing, and ultimately even better than anything I could have imagined for myself.
Yesterday, I had to go to Superior Court to answer a lawsuit that Bank of America filed against my company. There was that familiar terror and panic in my stomach as I drove to the courthouse. I couldn't do anything, knowing I was going to be plunging off a cliff, but also knowing that as long as I was honest and faced this challenge head on, eventually it would be over, and I would be looking back on this experience with hindsight now 20/20, seeing the remarkable grace that always comes when you get through the challenge.
I was nervous, and scared, but plunged over the edge when the judge called my name. I faced the charges with courage that came from some hidden source deep inside of me, and while I was screaming in terror (inside of course) I also knew at the end, there would be relief and even possibly laughter, and sure enough, the ending was a delightful unexpected surprise, one I could never have imagined but there it was. The case was dismissed. Grace. Blessings. Relief. Calm.
I'm starting to understand that life is always an ebb and flow. Challenges, hurt, pain, fear, scary situations come up. That's part of being human. But having the courage to face it head on and deal with the fear will always, without a doubt, end with blessings and surprise endings we never saw coming. And when you sit at the end looking back, you realize getting on that slide in the first place is what the exuberance of life is all about.
Excitedly we got to the park, uncertain what we would find, but eagerly anticipating a day splashing about in the water. I was a bit nervous, not sure how I would deal with the enclosed nature of some of the slides, since I had just recently become aware I have claustrophobia. But Bill was all gung ho and ready to just jump onto the first slide we came to and get the day moving. I made him promise we would start with the gentle slides first so I could work up to it, thinking that meant we would go on The Lazy River or the Wave Pool first.
But no, he headed right for the Half Pipe slide. It didn't look so bad, so I agreed, and we climbed up to the top of the stairs, each with our rubber floaty ready to go down the slide. I went first, totally oblivious to the terror that was about to seize my soul.
I sat down on the floaty and waited for the life guard to tell me it was time to go. I should have gotten a clue that I might be in for more than I bargained for when I noticed he was strapped into a climbing harness, with a rope fastened to the side of the security fence. It didn't really register until he pushed me off the edge of the slide, and I dropped straight down, with a scream erupting unvolintarily from my throat, conveying the sheer terror my body was experiencing.
I hit the bottom of the half pipe and shot up the other side, screaming like a maniac the whole way. When I hit the top of the other side, the rubber floaty plunged me back down again, backwards, another scream erupting from the depths of my lungs.
And then it was done, and I was sitting in the middle of a pool of water, laughing hysterically, and shaking and ready to do it all over again. I had found my metaphor for my life this last year.
And thus we spent almost 4 insanely fun, hysterically crazy, scary hours dropping over the sides of cliffs into pools of water, over and over and over again putting ourselves in harms way as far as our bodies knew, and ending up laughing and giggling like little kids. I haven't laughed that hard or smiled that much since I can remember.
I was writing about this in my journal just this morning, and it dawned on me that I have experienced this terror, this fear, every single day since I first admitted I was no longer in control of my life and filed bankruptcy.
Every day has been like being on a water slide, and sometimes those days have stretched into months of panic and fear. But always, 100 % of the time, when I have just given up and went with it, and let myself feel the panic, the terror and the out of controlness of it all, I have come out the other end, laughing, peaceful, and filled with gratitude that I could look back and see that I had the courage to face it head on. And when I did that, I always came out ok, and always with a resolution that was unexpectedly joyful and pleasing, and ultimately even better than anything I could have imagined for myself.
Yesterday, I had to go to Superior Court to answer a lawsuit that Bank of America filed against my company. There was that familiar terror and panic in my stomach as I drove to the courthouse. I couldn't do anything, knowing I was going to be plunging off a cliff, but also knowing that as long as I was honest and faced this challenge head on, eventually it would be over, and I would be looking back on this experience with hindsight now 20/20, seeing the remarkable grace that always comes when you get through the challenge.
I was nervous, and scared, but plunged over the edge when the judge called my name. I faced the charges with courage that came from some hidden source deep inside of me, and while I was screaming in terror (inside of course) I also knew at the end, there would be relief and even possibly laughter, and sure enough, the ending was a delightful unexpected surprise, one I could never have imagined but there it was. The case was dismissed. Grace. Blessings. Relief. Calm.
I'm starting to understand that life is always an ebb and flow. Challenges, hurt, pain, fear, scary situations come up. That's part of being human. But having the courage to face it head on and deal with the fear will always, without a doubt, end with blessings and surprise endings we never saw coming. And when you sit at the end looking back, you realize getting on that slide in the first place is what the exuberance of life is all about.
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