Bill and I went to a water park this last Wednesday. I have been feeling so exhausted, so overwhelmed with the move, and trying to set up my new space and figure out what I was doing. Suffocating would be a better word. Have you ever been surfing and been hit by a wave that sent you reeling? Then you're caught up in the turbulence of the wave, like being stuck in the spin cycle in a washing machine, and you don't know which end is up. Well, that's been my life since I made the decision to close the store and start downshifting my business. I just couldn't do anything any more. My brain was on burnout, and I just needed a day away to play and just have some fun.
Excitedly we got to the park, uncertain what we would find, but eagerly anticipating a day splashing about in the water. I was a bit nervous, not sure how I would deal with the enclosed nature of some of the slides, since I had just recently become aware I have claustrophobia. But Bill was all gung ho and ready to just jump onto the first slide we came to and get the day moving. I made him promise we would start with the gentle slides first so I could work up to it, thinking that meant we would go on The Lazy River or the Wave Pool first.
But no, he headed right for the Half Pipe slide. It didn't look so bad, so I agreed, and we climbed up to the top of the stairs, each with our rubber floaty ready to go down the slide. I went first, totally oblivious to the terror that was about to seize my soul.
I sat down on the floaty and waited for the life guard to tell me it was time to go. I should have gotten a clue that I might be in for more than I bargained for when I noticed he was strapped into a climbing harness, with a rope fastened to the side of the security fence. It didn't really register until he pushed me off the edge of the slide, and I dropped straight down, with a scream erupting unvolintarily from my throat, conveying the sheer terror my body was experiencing.
I hit the bottom of the half pipe and shot up the other side, screaming like a maniac the whole way. When I hit the top of the other side, the rubber floaty plunged me back down again, backwards, another scream erupting from the depths of my lungs.
And then it was done, and I was sitting in the middle of a pool of water, laughing hysterically, and shaking and ready to do it all over again. I had found my metaphor for my life this last year.
And thus we spent almost 4 insanely fun, hysterically crazy, scary hours dropping over the sides of cliffs into pools of water, over and over and over again putting ourselves in harms way as far as our bodies knew, and ending up laughing and giggling like little kids. I haven't laughed that hard or smiled that much since I can remember.
I was writing about this in my journal just this morning, and it dawned on me that I have experienced this terror, this fear, every single day since I first admitted I was no longer in control of my life and filed bankruptcy.
Every day has been like being on a water slide, and sometimes those days have stretched into months of panic and fear. But always, 100 % of the time, when I have just given up and went with it, and let myself feel the panic, the terror and the out of controlness of it all, I have come out the other end, laughing, peaceful, and filled with gratitude that I could look back and see that I had the courage to face it head on. And when I did that, I always came out ok, and always with a resolution that was unexpectedly joyful and pleasing, and ultimately even better than anything I could have imagined for myself.
Yesterday, I had to go to Superior Court to answer a lawsuit that Bank of America filed against my company. There was that familiar terror and panic in my stomach as I drove to the courthouse. I couldn't do anything, knowing I was going to be plunging off a cliff, but also knowing that as long as I was honest and faced this challenge head on, eventually it would be over, and I would be looking back on this experience with hindsight now 20/20, seeing the remarkable grace that always comes when you get through the challenge.
I was nervous, and scared, but plunged over the edge when the judge called my name. I faced the charges with courage that came from some hidden source deep inside of me, and while I was screaming in terror (inside of course) I also knew at the end, there would be relief and even possibly laughter, and sure enough, the ending was a delightful unexpected surprise, one I could never have imagined but there it was. The case was dismissed. Grace. Blessings. Relief. Calm.
I'm starting to understand that life is always an ebb and flow. Challenges, hurt, pain, fear, scary situations come up. That's part of being human. But having the courage to face it head on and deal with the fear will always, without a doubt, end with blessings and surprise endings we never saw coming. And when you sit at the end looking back, you realize getting on that slide in the first place is what the exuberance of life is all about.
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