I just found out a boy I grew up with died suddenly this week. I remember him as an exuberant, mischievous boy, always with an impish smile, constantly in trouble with the teacher, but so sweet and funny, no one could stay mad at him. We lost touch as we grew up, but I always remembered his ready smile and his generous spirit.
As I read his obituary it got me to thinking about what my obituary would say if I were to die today. How would people remember me? How would I want them to remember me? I sat and meditated on this, and this is what I came up with:
Michelle Haunold passed away, and is survived by her large loving family and many friends. She loved life and opened her heart to all people, giving them many chances, even though some of those people caused great pain and hurt in her life.
Music and nature were her life blood, each providing a consistent base for her as she struggled to find her authentic voice and path in life. She lived joyously and openly, but also struggled to find her way, which led to her developing a deep faith in God later in life.
She was a passionate teacher, wanting to help others find their own truth, and their own way by sharing the joy of discovering one's own strengths. She was an avid Master Gardener who cared deeply about the Earth and environment, and strove to show others how they could make a difference by mindfully taking care of their own little plot of land.
She believed strongly in truth, integrity, honesty and justice and passionately encouraged others to own those qualities for themselves. She was fearless about speaking her truth and following her passions, and while it didn't always work out the way she planned, she never let fear stop her.
I am sure there's more I could write, but the things I care most about, I realize I've owned for myself, or want to own for myself. I want to live life fully, taking bites of everything that catches my attention. I want to try new things, and live as richly and exuberantly as I possibly can. I haven't done that yet.
As the saying goes, life is not a dress rehearsal. We get this lifetime to explore and to live. If I were to die today, would I have done and tried and thought and explored everything I wanted? I can answer this question today by saying no, there's much more I want to try. I've edited my life, and let fear stop me many times, but no more.
I have nothing to lose but fear itself, and honestly, I'm done with letting fear control my life: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of what others will think about me, fear about what I will think about myself.
Yes, I've made many mistakes. I've hurt people and let myself down. It was never intentionally or maliciously. But I see that these things happen to give me perspective, to act as guides along my path. It gives me a way to check in with myself and if I'm off the path then I can get back on by correcting my steps and my actions, and moving forward.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. I am looking at the upcoming new year with new eyes; what do I want to create for myself that will help me live fully, exuberantly, deliciously? I am taking this new year to further open and expand, and explore the miracle of my life that is waiting patiently for me.
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Beng Grateful for Beginnings and Endings
It's September 11th today, and for many, it is a time of commemoration, mourning and remembering. It's the same for me too, although for very different reasons. Today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary. As I sat in the garden drinking my coffee, writing and looking back, I finally have peace, wellness and serenity in my life and I am deeply grateful.
I haven't felt much like writing this last year. The pain, hurt and turbulence of the massive shifts in my life had taken a toll. I just needed to focus on myself, on healing, and on getting my energy back. I really just needed to pull everything inward, and focus on me. Some days, I didn't even go to work, but stayed home, puttering in my garden, going for bike rides and just resting.
I had to. All these months have been very much one of rediscovering who I AM. Not what everyone around me thinks I am, not what people think I should be, or want me to be, but who the very essence of me is. If you've never done this before, I strongly recommend it. It has been very liberating to look at a piece of clothing, food, a book, a CD, and ask myself "Do I really love this? Or am I just doing this because it is what I think I should like, feel, eat, listen to, wear.... whatever.
This year has been about taking a journey back to myself, back to my center. And it has been a journey I had to make alone. Too many distractions when you allow other people in. Too much temptation to do what they want because I've always put every one else's desires before my own. Does this sound selfish? Lonely? Weird? Yes, I suppose on the outside looking in, it does.
But for me it has been a miracle. A tremendous blessing of rediscovery, validation, joy, and acknowledging that while what I want may not be what those around me want, its ok, because its mine.
When I walked away from my marriage 12 years ago, I was just beginning the quest. Then I started Gearhead and gave up that quest and focused everything I had on my company, my business partner, the bands I was working with. Trying to be everything for everyone else, and completely forgetting about me.
In 2006, I realized I needed to get back on my path, and ended my partnership with my business partner, who had become my lover and then my best friend, and then finally, a co-dependent unhealthy relationship all over again.
It has been 5 long years now of finding my way back to myself. And today, I can say with deep joy, gratitude and serenity, I have finally found me again.
Today's reading in a little book called Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much by Anne Wilson Schaef really sums up this idea.
"When we are not really dealing with our disease of doing too much, we are often silent and not serene. We have only shut up for awhile and are still tense and confined, like a city park shut off from activity. Serenity is more like having a country silence within. Serenity is an acceptance of who we are and a being of who we are. Serenity is an awareness of our place in the universe and a oneness with all things. Serenity is active. It is a gentle and firm participation with trust. Serenity is the relaxation of our cells into who we are and a quiet celebration of that relaxation. Lovingly, way back somewhere, I remember what it is like to have a 'country silence' within. I can be grateful for that sense of knowing."
I finally know and embrace serenity, and it is magical.
I haven't felt much like writing this last year. The pain, hurt and turbulence of the massive shifts in my life had taken a toll. I just needed to focus on myself, on healing, and on getting my energy back. I really just needed to pull everything inward, and focus on me. Some days, I didn't even go to work, but stayed home, puttering in my garden, going for bike rides and just resting.
I had to. All these months have been very much one of rediscovering who I AM. Not what everyone around me thinks I am, not what people think I should be, or want me to be, but who the very essence of me is. If you've never done this before, I strongly recommend it. It has been very liberating to look at a piece of clothing, food, a book, a CD, and ask myself "Do I really love this? Or am I just doing this because it is what I think I should like, feel, eat, listen to, wear.... whatever.
This year has been about taking a journey back to myself, back to my center. And it has been a journey I had to make alone. Too many distractions when you allow other people in. Too much temptation to do what they want because I've always put every one else's desires before my own. Does this sound selfish? Lonely? Weird? Yes, I suppose on the outside looking in, it does.
But for me it has been a miracle. A tremendous blessing of rediscovery, validation, joy, and acknowledging that while what I want may not be what those around me want, its ok, because its mine.
When I walked away from my marriage 12 years ago, I was just beginning the quest. Then I started Gearhead and gave up that quest and focused everything I had on my company, my business partner, the bands I was working with. Trying to be everything for everyone else, and completely forgetting about me.
In 2006, I realized I needed to get back on my path, and ended my partnership with my business partner, who had become my lover and then my best friend, and then finally, a co-dependent unhealthy relationship all over again.
It has been 5 long years now of finding my way back to myself. And today, I can say with deep joy, gratitude and serenity, I have finally found me again.
Today's reading in a little book called Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much by Anne Wilson Schaef really sums up this idea.
"When we are not really dealing with our disease of doing too much, we are often silent and not serene. We have only shut up for awhile and are still tense and confined, like a city park shut off from activity. Serenity is more like having a country silence within. Serenity is an acceptance of who we are and a being of who we are. Serenity is an awareness of our place in the universe and a oneness with all things. Serenity is active. It is a gentle and firm participation with trust. Serenity is the relaxation of our cells into who we are and a quiet celebration of that relaxation. Lovingly, way back somewhere, I remember what it is like to have a 'country silence' within. I can be grateful for that sense of knowing."
I finally know and embrace serenity, and it is magical.
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