It's September 11th today, and for many, it is a time of commemoration, mourning and remembering. It's the same for me too, although for very different reasons. Today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary. As I sat in the garden drinking my coffee, writing and looking back, I finally have peace, wellness and serenity in my life and I am deeply grateful.
I haven't felt much like writing this last year. The pain, hurt and turbulence of the massive shifts in my life had taken a toll. I just needed to focus on myself, on healing, and on getting my energy back. I really just needed to pull everything inward, and focus on me. Some days, I didn't even go to work, but stayed home, puttering in my garden, going for bike rides and just resting.
I had to. All these months have been very much one of rediscovering who I AM. Not what everyone around me thinks I am, not what people think I should be, or want me to be, but who the very essence of me is. If you've never done this before, I strongly recommend it. It has been very liberating to look at a piece of clothing, food, a book, a CD, and ask myself "Do I really love this? Or am I just doing this because it is what I think I should like, feel, eat, listen to, wear.... whatever.
This year has been about taking a journey back to myself, back to my center. And it has been a journey I had to make alone. Too many distractions when you allow other people in. Too much temptation to do what they want because I've always put every one else's desires before my own. Does this sound selfish? Lonely? Weird? Yes, I suppose on the outside looking in, it does.
But for me it has been a miracle. A tremendous blessing of rediscovery, validation, joy, and acknowledging that while what I want may not be what those around me want, its ok, because its mine.
When I walked away from my marriage 12 years ago, I was just beginning the quest. Then I started Gearhead and gave up that quest and focused everything I had on my company, my business partner, the bands I was working with. Trying to be everything for everyone else, and completely forgetting about me.
In 2006, I realized I needed to get back on my path, and ended my partnership with my business partner, who had become my lover and then my best friend, and then finally, a co-dependent unhealthy relationship all over again.
It has been 5 long years now of finding my way back to myself. And today, I can say with deep joy, gratitude and serenity, I have finally found me again.
Today's reading in a little book called Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much by Anne Wilson Schaef really sums up this idea.
"When we are not really dealing with our disease of doing too much, we are often silent and not serene. We have only shut up for awhile and are still tense and confined, like a city park shut off from activity. Serenity is more like having a country silence within. Serenity is an acceptance of who we are and a being of who we are. Serenity is an awareness of our place in the universe and a oneness with all things. Serenity is active. It is a gentle and firm participation with trust. Serenity is the relaxation of our cells into who we are and a quiet celebration of that relaxation. Lovingly, way back somewhere, I remember what it is like to have a 'country silence' within. I can be grateful for that sense of knowing."
I finally know and embrace serenity, and it is magical.
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