Moving past resentment

I am listening to "Chant" by the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo De Silos. Its beautiful, peaceful, ethereal. It perfectly suits the mood I woke up in this morning. For the first time in a long time, I am filled with peace. And I'm very grateful for this miracle.

I went to bed in a state of agitation last night. I fell asleep praying for help to just end this resentment and anger that has been boiling my blood for the last few weeks. I was so tired of it, and nothing I was doing seemed to help.

I've been reading many spiritual texts lately, seeking answers and understanding, and the common theme in all of them, Buddhist, Christian, New Age, Metaphysical, all seems to be forgiveness as a way of letting go and moving on. But how does one forgive something so egregious as betrayal of trust?

I was going through some pretty rough times back in 1996 when my then-husband was in rehab. It was suggested to me over and over again that I should begin attending Al Anon meetings to get some help and support. I went to several meetings, but couldn't take the whining, poor pitiful me attitudes of people who felt like victims. So I never bothered to go back. I could deal with this myself.

Its only been recently that I started reading one of the handbooks "Courage to Change." It makes so much more sense to me now, looking back at my life, the twists and turns that its taken, and the stuff that was "done to me". Only now am I realizing I've been living like a victim all these years, and when you're in that state, you'll never be able to move past resentment into forgiveness.

So it was with a great deal of ironic humor that I realized when I woke up this morning, I finally get it. The reading for today was on letting go of resentment, because it keeps you stuck in the moment of pain, stuck in the act of being a victim. But how do you forgive when you can't forget? When you stew in anger and resentment, furious that it has happened yet again?

I've had alot of really shitty things happen to me over the years: girlfriends stealing boyfriends, abuse, betrayal, being physically assaulted with a knife by someone I trusted and loved, lied to and cheated, taken advantage of....all by people I trusted... blah blah blah, the list could go on and on. We've all had this shit happen, but how we chose to deal with it is the real test of character.

This morning I realized I really could just let it all go, by simply chosing not to be a victim to circumstances anymore. I could forgive these many many people who have hurt me deeply, but by forgiving it, I was not condoning their horrible behavior. I was just chosing to no longer allow it to affect me in a negative manner. A meadowlark started singing outside my open patio door. And that's when the chanting of the monks popped into my head.

Their music is so incredible, so peaceful. I remember when this record came out back in 1993. It caused a huge stir in the music industry, hitting the top of the charts on the Billboard pop charts. It was all anyone could talk about. I was working at a record store on Haight Street, Reckless Records, and we couldn't keep this record in stock, selling probably 20 or 30 copies a week. It was insane. Of course, I listened to it at the time, but didn't get it. Who in their right mind would consciously put something that slow and boring on? It makes me laugh now to remember my mystification about this record.

I think its like wine. You have to grow up some and have some life experience before you can really appreciate a good glass of red wine. Or jazz. There are some things in life you just have to be a bit more mature to get.

Forgiveness is like that. This morning, it clicked. Just like that. And the Monks of Santo Domingo De Silos, their music makes perfect sense to me now. It is soaring, freeing, reaching skyward, to the limitless blue stretching above. Heavenly. Peaceful.

And that's what it feels like to finally reach this place of understanding, releasing the resentment and anger that has clogged my mind and soul. I'm done. Its gone. Those people who perpetrated these hateful acts have to deal with it in their own way. I'm done.