Let the River Run

I just got back from a week long visit to New York to meet my mother's side of the family. Talk about mind blowing! I just discovered I have a whole lot of cousins and second cousins I had no idea even existed! It was exciting, and overwhelming and heartwarming all at the same time.

Both my grandparents on my mother's side came to America from Sicily. They passed through Ellis Island and settled in New York, some in Brooklyn, some in Manhattan and eventually out to Long Island and Staten Island. The history that is buried with my grandparents will never be recovered, and while I never got to meet my grandfather, I spent quite a bit of time with my grandmother before her death in 1983, but never thought to write down or record the stories before her death. Thankfully, my newfound relatives are able to provide many of the missing pieces and stories. I come from a family that is filled with dreamers, believing in the goodness and prosperity for all.

My brother and I spent the afternoon one day taking my mom around to her old neighborhood. Much of it is gone now, torn down and rebuilt, like the old tennament building my great-grandfather used to own, where all the family lived together in a tight knit community. But the church where she was baptized and married is still there, and the short walk down to the east river is still accessible. Suddenly, all the stories my mother shared with us growing up had a realness to them that I never imagined before.

We rode the Staten Island Ferry over to stay with my cousin for a couple of days, and I couldn't help but want to burst into the Carly Simon song "Let the River Run" from the movie Working Girl with Melanie Griffith http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cv-0mmVnxPA. The ferry is exactly like it was in the movie, and according to my mother, just like it was when she used to ride it as a child. I stood out on the deck and watched the Statue of Liberty as we floated by, and thought about that song.

I just rented the movie again last night, and felt like crying when the song played. My life is so similar, filled with the struggle to be heard, and taken seriously, and yet maintain integrity despite the best attempts of others to discredit you. I am a dreamer. I've always been a dreamer, believing in the best of humanity, in magic, in miracles. in treating others how I want to be treated. Always a glass half full sort of girl, always positive, no matter how crappy people were and hopeless the situation seemed.

Let the river run,
Let all the dreamers
Wake the nation.
Come, the New Jerusalem.

This song has taken on a new meaning for me for so many reasons. I really started to question my belief in the inherent goodness of people after the events of recent months. People I loved and cared about, people I trusted and thought were friends, are now believing all the lies and garbage being told about me. I really have examined my actions and words from this last year, and while I've made some mistakes, I never gave them reason to doubt me or not trust my integrity. And yet, they jumped to believe the worst about me. It was enough to make me want to quit and not stand up for myself. What is the point? They wouldn't believe me anyway.

Unlike the Melanie Griffith character in the movie, I don't have a knight in shining armor to stand up for me. I have to do that myself. I know deep in my soul I did nothing wrong. I have tried to reach out, tried to elicit a conversation and clear the air, but when the other party refuses, all you can do is know you've done your best and walk away. Let it go. Let the River Run.

This has been the situation over and over again this last year. Those who know me, truly know me, know what I stand for and believe in. They love me and honor my integrity. And those who want to listen to lies and garbage from people grasping for glory by putting others down, well, its their loss. The world is a sadder place for it, but one day, maybe they will see and hopefully when that day comes, they will have the guts to acknowledge their erroneous thinking. Me, I''m better off with the dreamers.