I just found out a boy I grew up with died suddenly this week. I remember him as an exuberant, mischievous boy, always with an impish smile, constantly in trouble with the teacher, but so sweet and funny, no one could stay mad at him. We lost touch as we grew up, but I always remembered his ready smile and his generous spirit.
As I read his obituary it got me to thinking about what my obituary would say if I were to die today. How would people remember me? How would I want them to remember me? I sat and meditated on this, and this is what I came up with:
Michelle Haunold passed away, and is survived by her large loving family and many friends. She loved life and opened her heart to all people, giving them many chances, even though some of those people caused great pain and hurt in her life.
Music and nature were her life blood, each providing a consistent base for her as she struggled to find her authentic voice and path in life. She lived joyously and openly, but also struggled to find her way, which led to her developing a deep faith in God later in life.
She was a passionate teacher, wanting to help others find their own truth, and their own way by sharing the joy of discovering one's own strengths. She was an avid Master Gardener who cared deeply about the Earth and environment, and strove to show others how they could make a difference by mindfully taking care of their own little plot of land.
She believed strongly in truth, integrity, honesty and justice and passionately encouraged others to own those qualities for themselves. She was fearless about speaking her truth and following her passions, and while it didn't always work out the way she planned, she never let fear stop her.
I am sure there's more I could write, but the things I care most about, I realize I've owned for myself, or want to own for myself. I want to live life fully, taking bites of everything that catches my attention. I want to try new things, and live as richly and exuberantly as I possibly can. I haven't done that yet.
As the saying goes, life is not a dress rehearsal. We get this lifetime to explore and to live. If I were to die today, would I have done and tried and thought and explored everything I wanted? I can answer this question today by saying no, there's much more I want to try. I've edited my life, and let fear stop me many times, but no more.
I have nothing to lose but fear itself, and honestly, I'm done with letting fear control my life: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of what others will think about me, fear about what I will think about myself.
Yes, I've made many mistakes. I've hurt people and let myself down. It was never intentionally or maliciously. But I see that these things happen to give me perspective, to act as guides along my path. It gives me a way to check in with myself and if I'm off the path then I can get back on by correcting my steps and my actions, and moving forward.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. I am looking at the upcoming new year with new eyes; what do I want to create for myself that will help me live fully, exuberantly, deliciously? I am taking this new year to further open and expand, and explore the miracle of my life that is waiting patiently for me.
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Beng Grateful for Beginnings and Endings
It's September 11th today, and for many, it is a time of commemoration, mourning and remembering. It's the same for me too, although for very different reasons. Today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary. As I sat in the garden drinking my coffee, writing and looking back, I finally have peace, wellness and serenity in my life and I am deeply grateful.
I haven't felt much like writing this last year. The pain, hurt and turbulence of the massive shifts in my life had taken a toll. I just needed to focus on myself, on healing, and on getting my energy back. I really just needed to pull everything inward, and focus on me. Some days, I didn't even go to work, but stayed home, puttering in my garden, going for bike rides and just resting.
I had to. All these months have been very much one of rediscovering who I AM. Not what everyone around me thinks I am, not what people think I should be, or want me to be, but who the very essence of me is. If you've never done this before, I strongly recommend it. It has been very liberating to look at a piece of clothing, food, a book, a CD, and ask myself "Do I really love this? Or am I just doing this because it is what I think I should like, feel, eat, listen to, wear.... whatever.
This year has been about taking a journey back to myself, back to my center. And it has been a journey I had to make alone. Too many distractions when you allow other people in. Too much temptation to do what they want because I've always put every one else's desires before my own. Does this sound selfish? Lonely? Weird? Yes, I suppose on the outside looking in, it does.
But for me it has been a miracle. A tremendous blessing of rediscovery, validation, joy, and acknowledging that while what I want may not be what those around me want, its ok, because its mine.
When I walked away from my marriage 12 years ago, I was just beginning the quest. Then I started Gearhead and gave up that quest and focused everything I had on my company, my business partner, the bands I was working with. Trying to be everything for everyone else, and completely forgetting about me.
In 2006, I realized I needed to get back on my path, and ended my partnership with my business partner, who had become my lover and then my best friend, and then finally, a co-dependent unhealthy relationship all over again.
It has been 5 long years now of finding my way back to myself. And today, I can say with deep joy, gratitude and serenity, I have finally found me again.
Today's reading in a little book called Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much by Anne Wilson Schaef really sums up this idea.
"When we are not really dealing with our disease of doing too much, we are often silent and not serene. We have only shut up for awhile and are still tense and confined, like a city park shut off from activity. Serenity is more like having a country silence within. Serenity is an acceptance of who we are and a being of who we are. Serenity is an awareness of our place in the universe and a oneness with all things. Serenity is active. It is a gentle and firm participation with trust. Serenity is the relaxation of our cells into who we are and a quiet celebration of that relaxation. Lovingly, way back somewhere, I remember what it is like to have a 'country silence' within. I can be grateful for that sense of knowing."
I finally know and embrace serenity, and it is magical.
I haven't felt much like writing this last year. The pain, hurt and turbulence of the massive shifts in my life had taken a toll. I just needed to focus on myself, on healing, and on getting my energy back. I really just needed to pull everything inward, and focus on me. Some days, I didn't even go to work, but stayed home, puttering in my garden, going for bike rides and just resting.
I had to. All these months have been very much one of rediscovering who I AM. Not what everyone around me thinks I am, not what people think I should be, or want me to be, but who the very essence of me is. If you've never done this before, I strongly recommend it. It has been very liberating to look at a piece of clothing, food, a book, a CD, and ask myself "Do I really love this? Or am I just doing this because it is what I think I should like, feel, eat, listen to, wear.... whatever.
This year has been about taking a journey back to myself, back to my center. And it has been a journey I had to make alone. Too many distractions when you allow other people in. Too much temptation to do what they want because I've always put every one else's desires before my own. Does this sound selfish? Lonely? Weird? Yes, I suppose on the outside looking in, it does.
But for me it has been a miracle. A tremendous blessing of rediscovery, validation, joy, and acknowledging that while what I want may not be what those around me want, its ok, because its mine.
When I walked away from my marriage 12 years ago, I was just beginning the quest. Then I started Gearhead and gave up that quest and focused everything I had on my company, my business partner, the bands I was working with. Trying to be everything for everyone else, and completely forgetting about me.
In 2006, I realized I needed to get back on my path, and ended my partnership with my business partner, who had become my lover and then my best friend, and then finally, a co-dependent unhealthy relationship all over again.
It has been 5 long years now of finding my way back to myself. And today, I can say with deep joy, gratitude and serenity, I have finally found me again.
Today's reading in a little book called Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much by Anne Wilson Schaef really sums up this idea.
"When we are not really dealing with our disease of doing too much, we are often silent and not serene. We have only shut up for awhile and are still tense and confined, like a city park shut off from activity. Serenity is more like having a country silence within. Serenity is an acceptance of who we are and a being of who we are. Serenity is an awareness of our place in the universe and a oneness with all things. Serenity is active. It is a gentle and firm participation with trust. Serenity is the relaxation of our cells into who we are and a quiet celebration of that relaxation. Lovingly, way back somewhere, I remember what it is like to have a 'country silence' within. I can be grateful for that sense of knowing."
I finally know and embrace serenity, and it is magical.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Ask, and Ye Shall Receive
It's New Year's Eve Day, Dec 31 2010. As I sit here listening to Nawang Khechog, beautiful Tibetan flute music, I allow my mind to float over the past year. New Year's Eve is always a very magical, mystical time for me. I like looking back at how the year went, and many times, things I've forgotten about float into my awareness. This year was a pivotal year of change for me. I am not the same person here at the end of the year that I was when I started the year.
2010 began as a time filled with fear, uncertainty, grief and much trepidation. I was getting close to the end of the bankruptcy, but still had no idea what was going to happen with my business. I was excited though, as I was putting out another record with a band I still believed in, and even though they were acting like jerks, I still thought everything would be ok. It was just they were being affected by the uncertainty in my life. I was still taking responsibility for their feelings, which of course makes me laugh now as I look back, but then, I still felt a tremendous desire to "make it ok" for them.
I was still operating my life as I had, like a classic co-dependent in an unhealthy relationship. Only now, the relationship was between me and my business. No wonder it was in melt down mode! One of the best gifts I got at the beginning of the year , besides word that my bankruptcy was finalized, was a book called The Courage of Change, one of the Al Anon texts. I had finally reached a place in my life where I knew that I was truly, completely miserable. I had definitely hit bottom emotionally,and so, as often happens when one finally surrenders control, help arrived in the form of this book.
I didn't have anything else left to lose, and so I opened the book and read the entry for Jan 1, and read the words talking about recovery as a process, a day by day practice in taking action for ones' self to change the life you no longer are comfortable with. And thus, little by little, began a practice that would carry me through the turbulent months to come. I slowly started to allow my life to change as I faced the downsizing of my business through employees moving on, the realization that I no longer wanted to put all my energy into supporting a store front, the need to simplify my life. It had gotten completely out of control, unmanageable and overwhelming, and I was finally ready to face the fact that it no longer gave me any pleasure and I could just stop.
And my habit of trying to fix other people's lives when they reallly didn't want the help? Well, I got that message loud and clear when, despite my best efforts, the last band I was holding onto hired a lawyer to get their record back from me. They didn't even have the courage to tell me themselves. It was the last thread holding me to my old way of life, my old patterns.
And so, by the middle of the year, I finally said "screw you" to this last distraction, and started putting myself first. It began in little ways, with little daily actions, such as taking the time to sleep as much as my body needed, only working part time when I just felt too overwhelmed, taking the time to meditate and pray, and really ask The Universe for help and guidance.
Now, on the last day of the year, I look back over it, and almost don't recognize the woman I am now. I am no longer turning myself inside out for my business and for the people connected with that business. For the first time in a very long time, I am truly at peace, deeply content, and grateful for the calm that has entered my life. I still have a long way to go, but I understand now the ancient instructions "Be Here Now" or, live in the present moment. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and honestly, I don't really care. It will be what it will be. All I can do is check in with my body today, at this very moment, and see where I'm at. And that's good enough.
Tonight, I plan on taking 3 helium balloons and for each one, writing down a request for the feelings I want to fill my life with in 2011: peace, tranquility, grace, gratitude, abundance of blessings, love, delight, joy, harmonious relationships with all who enter my life.... you get the picture. Tie the pieces of paper with your requests to the string on each balloon, and let it go into the night. Let it go, and then pay attention in the year to come to see how your requests will manifest. I don't know how they will come to me, but again, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I ask for it, and then get out of the way and allow the Universe to give it to me, however it will come.
I found this year that by asking and surrendering, amazing things can happen to transform your life, but not necessarily in the ways you expect. At the beginning of this year, I was praying for all the misery to be gone. I was done. And now, on the last day of this year, I can laugh. My prayers were answered. It doesn't look at all like what I imagined it to look like, and its still unfolding, but the truth is, I got exactly what I asked for: peace, calm, miracles and a great deal of love and support.
Happy New Year. May 2011 unfold in delightfully unexpected ways for you all.
2010 began as a time filled with fear, uncertainty, grief and much trepidation. I was getting close to the end of the bankruptcy, but still had no idea what was going to happen with my business. I was excited though, as I was putting out another record with a band I still believed in, and even though they were acting like jerks, I still thought everything would be ok. It was just they were being affected by the uncertainty in my life. I was still taking responsibility for their feelings, which of course makes me laugh now as I look back, but then, I still felt a tremendous desire to "make it ok" for them.
I was still operating my life as I had, like a classic co-dependent in an unhealthy relationship. Only now, the relationship was between me and my business. No wonder it was in melt down mode! One of the best gifts I got at the beginning of the year , besides word that my bankruptcy was finalized, was a book called The Courage of Change, one of the Al Anon texts. I had finally reached a place in my life where I knew that I was truly, completely miserable. I had definitely hit bottom emotionally,and so, as often happens when one finally surrenders control, help arrived in the form of this book.
I didn't have anything else left to lose, and so I opened the book and read the entry for Jan 1, and read the words talking about recovery as a process, a day by day practice in taking action for ones' self to change the life you no longer are comfortable with. And thus, little by little, began a practice that would carry me through the turbulent months to come. I slowly started to allow my life to change as I faced the downsizing of my business through employees moving on, the realization that I no longer wanted to put all my energy into supporting a store front, the need to simplify my life. It had gotten completely out of control, unmanageable and overwhelming, and I was finally ready to face the fact that it no longer gave me any pleasure and I could just stop.
And my habit of trying to fix other people's lives when they reallly didn't want the help? Well, I got that message loud and clear when, despite my best efforts, the last band I was holding onto hired a lawyer to get their record back from me. They didn't even have the courage to tell me themselves. It was the last thread holding me to my old way of life, my old patterns.
And so, by the middle of the year, I finally said "screw you" to this last distraction, and started putting myself first. It began in little ways, with little daily actions, such as taking the time to sleep as much as my body needed, only working part time when I just felt too overwhelmed, taking the time to meditate and pray, and really ask The Universe for help and guidance.
Now, on the last day of the year, I look back over it, and almost don't recognize the woman I am now. I am no longer turning myself inside out for my business and for the people connected with that business. For the first time in a very long time, I am truly at peace, deeply content, and grateful for the calm that has entered my life. I still have a long way to go, but I understand now the ancient instructions "Be Here Now" or, live in the present moment. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and honestly, I don't really care. It will be what it will be. All I can do is check in with my body today, at this very moment, and see where I'm at. And that's good enough.
Tonight, I plan on taking 3 helium balloons and for each one, writing down a request for the feelings I want to fill my life with in 2011: peace, tranquility, grace, gratitude, abundance of blessings, love, delight, joy, harmonious relationships with all who enter my life.... you get the picture. Tie the pieces of paper with your requests to the string on each balloon, and let it go into the night. Let it go, and then pay attention in the year to come to see how your requests will manifest. I don't know how they will come to me, but again, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I ask for it, and then get out of the way and allow the Universe to give it to me, however it will come.
I found this year that by asking and surrendering, amazing things can happen to transform your life, but not necessarily in the ways you expect. At the beginning of this year, I was praying for all the misery to be gone. I was done. And now, on the last day of this year, I can laugh. My prayers were answered. It doesn't look at all like what I imagined it to look like, and its still unfolding, but the truth is, I got exactly what I asked for: peace, calm, miracles and a great deal of love and support.
Happy New Year. May 2011 unfold in delightfully unexpected ways for you all.
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