It's New Year's Eve Day, Dec 31 2010. As I sit here listening to Nawang Khechog, beautiful Tibetan flute music, I allow my mind to float over the past year. New Year's Eve is always a very magical, mystical time for me. I like looking back at how the year went, and many times, things I've forgotten about float into my awareness. This year was a pivotal year of change for me. I am not the same person here at the end of the year that I was when I started the year.
2010 began as a time filled with fear, uncertainty, grief and much trepidation. I was getting close to the end of the bankruptcy, but still had no idea what was going to happen with my business. I was excited though, as I was putting out another record with a band I still believed in, and even though they were acting like jerks, I still thought everything would be ok. It was just they were being affected by the uncertainty in my life. I was still taking responsibility for their feelings, which of course makes me laugh now as I look back, but then, I still felt a tremendous desire to "make it ok" for them.
I was still operating my life as I had, like a classic co-dependent in an unhealthy relationship. Only now, the relationship was between me and my business. No wonder it was in melt down mode! One of the best gifts I got at the beginning of the year , besides word that my bankruptcy was finalized, was a book called The Courage of Change, one of the Al Anon texts. I had finally reached a place in my life where I knew that I was truly, completely miserable. I had definitely hit bottom emotionally,and so, as often happens when one finally surrenders control, help arrived in the form of this book.
I didn't have anything else left to lose, and so I opened the book and read the entry for Jan 1, and read the words talking about recovery as a process, a day by day practice in taking action for ones' self to change the life you no longer are comfortable with. And thus, little by little, began a practice that would carry me through the turbulent months to come. I slowly started to allow my life to change as I faced the downsizing of my business through employees moving on, the realization that I no longer wanted to put all my energy into supporting a store front, the need to simplify my life. It had gotten completely out of control, unmanageable and overwhelming, and I was finally ready to face the fact that it no longer gave me any pleasure and I could just stop.
And my habit of trying to fix other people's lives when they reallly didn't want the help? Well, I got that message loud and clear when, despite my best efforts, the last band I was holding onto hired a lawyer to get their record back from me. They didn't even have the courage to tell me themselves. It was the last thread holding me to my old way of life, my old patterns.
And so, by the middle of the year, I finally said "screw you" to this last distraction, and started putting myself first. It began in little ways, with little daily actions, such as taking the time to sleep as much as my body needed, only working part time when I just felt too overwhelmed, taking the time to meditate and pray, and really ask The Universe for help and guidance.
Now, on the last day of the year, I look back over it, and almost don't recognize the woman I am now. I am no longer turning myself inside out for my business and for the people connected with that business. For the first time in a very long time, I am truly at peace, deeply content, and grateful for the calm that has entered my life. I still have a long way to go, but I understand now the ancient instructions "Be Here Now" or, live in the present moment. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and honestly, I don't really care. It will be what it will be. All I can do is check in with my body today, at this very moment, and see where I'm at. And that's good enough.
Tonight, I plan on taking 3 helium balloons and for each one, writing down a request for the feelings I want to fill my life with in 2011: peace, tranquility, grace, gratitude, abundance of blessings, love, delight, joy, harmonious relationships with all who enter my life.... you get the picture. Tie the pieces of paper with your requests to the string on each balloon, and let it go into the night. Let it go, and then pay attention in the year to come to see how your requests will manifest. I don't know how they will come to me, but again, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I ask for it, and then get out of the way and allow the Universe to give it to me, however it will come.
I found this year that by asking and surrendering, amazing things can happen to transform your life, but not necessarily in the ways you expect. At the beginning of this year, I was praying for all the misery to be gone. I was done. And now, on the last day of this year, I can laugh. My prayers were answered. It doesn't look at all like what I imagined it to look like, and its still unfolding, but the truth is, I got exactly what I asked for: peace, calm, miracles and a great deal of love and support.
Happy New Year. May 2011 unfold in delightfully unexpected ways for you all.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
The Guest House - Giving Thanks for Pain
Its Thanksgiving morning, cold, crisp, with the sun just starting to creep up over the treetops. Its going to be a beautiful day. I'm sure there's many songs out there about this day, but none of them come to me at the moment.
Instead, I sit in the dark of my living room, candles burning, and Gregorian chants softly playing in the background. I let my mind drift back over the past year, and feel humbled by the deep sense of peace and calm that fills me. I truly understand the meaning of this day like I never did before.
A year ago, I was in the midst of a turbulent storm brought on by finally filing for personal bankruptcy. My life had shattered into a million tiny pieces, and despair, fear and chaos filled my heart and soul. I was grieving like I had never grieved before, completely at a loss, and standing in the midst of wreckage. I surrendered completely at that point. I could do no more, except cry and pray for an end to the pain.
A year ago today, I was reaching for the little things in my life I was grateful for: my sweet loving supportive boyfriend Bill, my close friends who hugged me whenever they saw me, my family who stood by me even though they didn't understand how I had gotten to the place I had, my snug little house that I wasn't sure I would be able to keep, and the wonderful smells coming from my kitchen as I prepared a Thanksgiving feast, excited about the gathering of friends that was to happen later that day, ready to share good food and company.
It was being thankful for those things that helped me weather that storm. The feeling of having your life turned upside down is indescribable. While I've never been through a natural disaster like a flood or hurricane, I can empathize with those who have been through it, knowing that feeling of losing your life as you have known it.
But it is precisely that feelings of being ripped from your safe harbor that is the gift, the blessing. If you had told me a year ago I would be looking back on bankruptcy as a blessing, I would have laughed in your face and told you you were crazy. But here I am, a year later, thinking exactly that thought.
That storm caused me to look at my life as I never had before, and admit that it wasn't working. I just didn't have the courage to change it. Its hard to change, when even what you're living with causes you misery. Even if it totally sucks, its still familiar. We know what to expect, and that is comforting. I wouldn't have voluntarily changed.
But here I am, a year later, still uncertain exactly where I'm going, but grateful that the nightmare forced me to reevaluate my life in ways that I never could have anticipated. There's a poem by Rumi that I absolutely love, and go back to time and time again which so eloquently describes this experience, called The Guest House:
Instead, I sit in the dark of my living room, candles burning, and Gregorian chants softly playing in the background. I let my mind drift back over the past year, and feel humbled by the deep sense of peace and calm that fills me. I truly understand the meaning of this day like I never did before.
A year ago, I was in the midst of a turbulent storm brought on by finally filing for personal bankruptcy. My life had shattered into a million tiny pieces, and despair, fear and chaos filled my heart and soul. I was grieving like I had never grieved before, completely at a loss, and standing in the midst of wreckage. I surrendered completely at that point. I could do no more, except cry and pray for an end to the pain.
A year ago today, I was reaching for the little things in my life I was grateful for: my sweet loving supportive boyfriend Bill, my close friends who hugged me whenever they saw me, my family who stood by me even though they didn't understand how I had gotten to the place I had, my snug little house that I wasn't sure I would be able to keep, and the wonderful smells coming from my kitchen as I prepared a Thanksgiving feast, excited about the gathering of friends that was to happen later that day, ready to share good food and company.
It was being thankful for those things that helped me weather that storm. The feeling of having your life turned upside down is indescribable. While I've never been through a natural disaster like a flood or hurricane, I can empathize with those who have been through it, knowing that feeling of losing your life as you have known it.
But it is precisely that feelings of being ripped from your safe harbor that is the gift, the blessing. If you had told me a year ago I would be looking back on bankruptcy as a blessing, I would have laughed in your face and told you you were crazy. But here I am, a year later, thinking exactly that thought.
That storm caused me to look at my life as I never had before, and admit that it wasn't working. I just didn't have the courage to change it. Its hard to change, when even what you're living with causes you misery. Even if it totally sucks, its still familiar. We know what to expect, and that is comforting. I wouldn't have voluntarily changed.
But here I am, a year later, still uncertain exactly where I'm going, but grateful that the nightmare forced me to reevaluate my life in ways that I never could have anticipated. There's a poem by Rumi that I absolutely love, and go back to time and time again which so eloquently describes this experience, called The Guest House:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Today, as you celebrate with friends and family, have the courage to look at your life. If there is something that isn't working, look it in the face and say hello. Maybe its a gift that is patiently knocking at your door. Open the door before it becomes a force so big, you can't ignore it. For this lesson, I am deeply grateful.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
You Ain't Nobody 'til Somebody Loves You
I woke up with this old Dean Martin song in my head this morning "You Ain't Nobody 'til Somebody Loves You". Its a great song, and I love Deano's voice on this track. Its a bit of a misnomer though. While having the love of others is important, its really more important to love yourself first. You have to be the "somebody" in the song.
I'm not certain what started me thinking on this, except that last night was the gallery opening for my boyfriend Bill's paintings. It was a lot of fun, and the turn out was great. He couldn't be there because he was working (at Sacramento Tattoo), so I stood in as his voice for the paintings. People loved them, and the praise was genuine and heart felt, not just someone blowing smoke up my ass because they wanted to seem "cool". Many of our friends showed up in support, and it made me stop to realize once again how lucky I am, and we are, to have such an amazing circle of support around us.
Our friends came out to be part of this gallery opening to show how much they love us. Its as simple as that. In the world of punk rock, its really not cool to let on that you care about people and want to be there for them. But that's a big reason why I'm so done with this whole scene. I am sick to death of people always looking to see what's in it for them, instead of just being there for someone else, just to show you care.
But the interesting thing is, until you really start being there for yourself, and caring about yourself, setting your own boundaries about what you will and won't put up with, you don't really give others the opportunity to show their support and love because they don't really know where they stand.
When I was meditating about this this morning, this made perfect sense to me. Now that I try to put it into words, its seems a bit more confusing, but really, it isn't. Love yourself first and foremost. In the most humble but honest way, be clear about what you will and won't accept in your life. In other words, be ok with setting your boundaries and saying "no, that doesn't work for me". When you do this, it is the most loving thing you can do for yourself, but more importantly for the people around you. It makes it safe for those you care about to do the same thing for themselves. I have the most amazing boyfriend and circle of friends ever. A few years ago, I could never have imagined love and support like this. It was all about me turning myself inside out to make others happy and to give them what I thought they wanted. But gradually recognizing what didn't work for me and saying so has opened me up to this entirely new world and new way of living, and its so much more satisfying and fun!
Deano was right: just make that "somebody" who loves you yourself first. You'll be amazed at how much better your life can become when you do.
I'm not certain what started me thinking on this, except that last night was the gallery opening for my boyfriend Bill's paintings. It was a lot of fun, and the turn out was great. He couldn't be there because he was working (at Sacramento Tattoo), so I stood in as his voice for the paintings. People loved them, and the praise was genuine and heart felt, not just someone blowing smoke up my ass because they wanted to seem "cool". Many of our friends showed up in support, and it made me stop to realize once again how lucky I am, and we are, to have such an amazing circle of support around us.
Our friends came out to be part of this gallery opening to show how much they love us. Its as simple as that. In the world of punk rock, its really not cool to let on that you care about people and want to be there for them. But that's a big reason why I'm so done with this whole scene. I am sick to death of people always looking to see what's in it for them, instead of just being there for someone else, just to show you care.
But the interesting thing is, until you really start being there for yourself, and caring about yourself, setting your own boundaries about what you will and won't put up with, you don't really give others the opportunity to show their support and love because they don't really know where they stand.
When I was meditating about this this morning, this made perfect sense to me. Now that I try to put it into words, its seems a bit more confusing, but really, it isn't. Love yourself first and foremost. In the most humble but honest way, be clear about what you will and won't accept in your life. In other words, be ok with setting your boundaries and saying "no, that doesn't work for me". When you do this, it is the most loving thing you can do for yourself, but more importantly for the people around you. It makes it safe for those you care about to do the same thing for themselves. I have the most amazing boyfriend and circle of friends ever. A few years ago, I could never have imagined love and support like this. It was all about me turning myself inside out to make others happy and to give them what I thought they wanted. But gradually recognizing what didn't work for me and saying so has opened me up to this entirely new world and new way of living, and its so much more satisfying and fun!
Deano was right: just make that "somebody" who loves you yourself first. You'll be amazed at how much better your life can become when you do.
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