I'll do it My Way

As the song goes, "and now, the time is near... I'll do it My Way" I don't know exactly why that song popped into my head. Of course, ol' Frank sang this with conviction, and Sid Vicious sang it with sarcasm. Me, I'm singing it with passion. I've run my life so long doing things other people's way, its time I listened to my soul, and found out what my way even is.

I am just wrapping up 2 of the most intense months of my life. Other than leaving my husband, and breaking up a business partnership, the decision to close my store, and downsize my company has been intense, draining, exciting, frightening, and at times, gut-wrenching.

I made the decision to close as I stood watching all my guests help me celebrate 10 years of Gearhead Records. At that moment, enjoying what I had created, the community, the music, the food, the atmosphere, the whole package, I was able to detach and really look at things, and realize, I had done everything I set out to do, and then some. I couldn't top this, and I didn't want to. I knew right then, it was time to close this chapter of my life.

Making the decision was easier than the execution however. Closing down the store, dealing with vendors, customers, product and all the fixtures was alot bigger job than I realized. Thank God I'm an optimist. I always think things will go alot smoother and faster than they actually do. I've learned to laugh at myself though, because I'm always surprised when things are alot tougher than I imagined.

Once the store was closed it was time to deal with my 3500 square foot warehouse which has housed my record label these last 4 years. I had such big dreams when I moved into this space. Not only had I planned on creating a space where like-minded people could gather to share music, food and good company, I had planned on creating a screen-printing studio, and a recording studio. But dreams change, and the trick is to allow yourself to own the change and flow with it, or get stuck fighting it. And if there's one thing I've learned finally after all these years of tough lessons: when I see the inevitable need to change beckoning, I have to listen to my gut and go with it.

And so, this last week with the help of Bill, my boyfriend, and several really close, very good friends, I made the transition to my new space. I had spent almost a month boxing things up, selling stuff and trying to pack up 10 years of business, and in a few days, through brute force and sheer will and determination, we moved it all in 100+ degree heat.

Once the actual move was done, I had to clean the space, and so have spent the last 4 days cleaning and mopping every square inch of that warehouse. I was taught to leave a space better than you found it, and as a way of honoring the last 4 years I spent in my warehouse, I did just that. In a way, it was a way of blessing the place, and saying goodbye. I needed to do it all myself, despite offers of help. I needed this time to say goodbye.

As I cleaned each room, I let the memories flow, and sometimes the tears. It was a really good place for me to try and create what I thought I wanted. But as I cleaned, I realized I was in a way creating what others wanted. I wanted to make people happy. To help them realize their dreams. Helping them with the skills and knowlege I had made me happy. But it really was a way to not listen to my inner voice. I can own that, and as I cleaned, I blessed that "a ha" moment.

And so, yesterday I formerly closed this chapter. During the walk-through with the landlord, she was impressed with how good the place looked. And I was proud to tell her I worked very hard to leave this place spotless and better than I found it so the next tenant would have as good a place to work as I did. I was able to give her the keys and lock the doors for one last time and walk away feeling good.

I have no idea what is coming, or what these next few months will look like. Every one keeps asking me what I'll do, and I can honestly say "I don't know." But what I do know is I will take the lessons I've learned these last 10 years, and mindfully create my new life, listening to my gut, and not everyone else like I've been doing.