There are many songs about changes, but probably the two most popular ones, and certainly two of my most favorites are David Bowie's "Changes" and Ozzy Osbourne's "Changes". They're both deep, soul searching songs, but looking at very different changes we face as humans. Bowie's is about having the courage to look at life changes, changes in one's being, while Ozzy's is about changes in relationships. Both of these resonate so strongly with me right now, and I have to play them over and over again.
When you have the courage to face life changes, it's inevitable that relationships change too. Sometimes that means the end of relationships as you realize where you are now just doesn't work anymore as a friend, lover, teacher, boss or whatever that relationship is in your life. Those old relationships have reached the end, and its time to gracefully let them go, so new ones can come into your life.
And sometimes, the changes strengthen and deepen relationships with those most meaningful in your life. And that's when you know you're on the right path. By having the courage to look at who you are, at this very moment in time, you invite possibilities of something deeper, more fulfilling into your relationship with yourself, your lover, your co-workers or employees.
Its a frightening place to be. You are vulnerable, and open to hurt. I watched one of my favorite movies "Good Will Hunting" last night. It was exactly where I was at emotionally. I remember when that movie came out. I was working as a sales person at Mordam Records, and I was head over heals into the Elliot Smith records that Kill Rock Stars had put out and we were selling. He was just starting to get some traction on those records because of the movie, and when we all found out that he was nominated for an Oscar for the soundtrack, we were so proud and excited because he was ours.
I felt a very deep connection with Elliott because of those vulnerable, painful, achingly beautiful songs about changes he was facing. I remember meeting him when he played in San Francsico. It must have been 1994 or 1995, because I was still married. He was so shy, and it was painful to talk to him. I got the sense of a very damaged, very fragile soul, trapped inside that body. Alcohol and drugs resonated from him. Of course, my husband at the time and Elliott connected right away, probably because they were both such similar tortured souls. But the impact those songs had on me when he played will never leave me.
When we watched the Oscars that year, and Elliott came out on stage with the other nominees, we cheered. There was one of our own, uncertain and fragile in his rumpled ill-fitting white suit. I dont' remember who the other nominees were besides Madonna, but bless her, she grabbed Elliott's hand and held on. He looked so relieved. He didn't win, but that moment will be burned in my mind forever. And of course, it catipulted him to a whole new level in his career. Changes it now is clear looking back he wasn't ready to face.
As I watched that movie last night, and sang along with the songs, it brought so much of that time back to me. But it also made me realize how much like Will I am right now too. I've built a wall around myself with my business. I've created this image that no longer fits where I'm at, but the challenge of facing changing all that is overwhelming. Risking damaging the relationships that have been stable and constant for these last 10 years, that's a scary place to be. Some won't survive. And some will endure and deepen and change to something all together different, but wonderful. Having the courage that Matt Damon's character finally grasps in "Good Will Hunting" is what I most want right now. And like Elliott Smith, having the courage to walk out on that stage, uncertain, unsure, but open to the possibilities is also something I am looking at. But unlike Elliott, I think I'm ready to face the changes that are coming.
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