A New Year's Eve Cememony

This New Year’s Eve is a Full Moon, but more importantly, it is a Blue Moon, meaning the second full moon in a month. This usually occurs once every 2-½ years, and the last time a blue moon occurred on New Year’s Eve was 1990. The full moon is a time for releasing or purging the things in our lives that no longer serve us such as addictions to food, drugs, alcohol and smoking, or relinquishing suffering involved in hurtful relationships, feeling like a victim, and discharging emotional pain in any way.

It is a time to look at what we’d like to change in our lives so we can move forward towards a more positive future. Tonight, create some time just for yourself, or share this with a loved one whom you feel safe with. Find a quiet spot to sit and look back at 2009. It was a rough year for many of us, but by thinking about things in a neutral way, you will be able to see the blessings and lessons buried in the ups and downs of the past year, and more clearly see what you’d like to create for the New Year. Take a moment to write down the answers to questions below. It will be a very insightful way to let go of the old year, and great the New Year. Happy 2010. May this New Year be filled with Peace and Prosperity for you all,

Love Michelle

What people mattered most to you in your life this year?

Do you feel they were supportive of you this year? If not, what can you do or say to bring more supportive people into your life?

What do you feel was your greatest accomplishment this year?

What do you feel was your greatest challenge or difficulty this year?

What lessons do you feel the challenges taught you this year?

What patterns in your life do you think kept you stuck?

What positive quality do you feel you best expressed this year?

What negative quality most stands out for you about yourself?

If you could forgive something in your life, what would it be? Would it be a person? Would it be you?

What limiting beliefs or habits do you notice about your life? Are you ready to leave these behind in the New Year? If not, what steps could you take to change these old habits?

Write each of these down on a piece of paper. Put them in the fireplace, and burn them if you can. If not, shred them, or rip them into little pieces and put them in the trash. Out with the Old, make room for the New!

What new things would you like to bring into your life in the New Year? Is there room in your mind, heart or soul for these new things?

What new things could you do to deepen your connection to the people who matter most to you?

What one thing could you do in your life to better the lives of those who matter most to you?

What are your positive intentions for the New Year? (This is sort of like what good things you’d like to pursue). It could be anything, like giving yourself more time to play, vowing to smile more, or give someone or yourself a compliment each day….

What would you most like to change in the New Year?

List 3 things that you’d do if you had unlimited resources. This could be travel, writing a book, taking flying lessons…. Anything…. Dream big here and write it down!

The Party

I was depressed, and I was starting to feel suicidal. Not in a real way, like I was in imminent danger of killing myself, but I was starting to understand how people got to that point. It was spring 1989, and I realized I needed to be around people who knew me, loved me, and would help me find my balance again. I made the decision to return to Oregon. Things were so difficult in San Francisco.

I was barely making any money, I had not developed any close relationships as I had hoped, and honestly, I wasn't so sure I was cut out for big city life. Sure, I had seen a ton of amazing shows, bands that I never would have gotten to see if I still lived in Corvallis. But I wasn't so sure that was worth the trade off anymore. About the time I decided to move back to Oregon, Blacklist Mailorder was getting ready to celebrate their 1 year anniversary with a party, but they were having trouble finding someplace to hold the party. I volunteered my house. It was certainly big enough for a party, and I didn't have any room mates I had to worry about bothering.

So plans were made, and word went out. It was supposed to be a private, Blacklist Volunteers only, BOB, and bring munchies. It must have been May 1989, because I only lasted in SF for 9 months the first time. Ruth Schwarts showed up, and a number of other volunteers, people I had seen at the warehouse and chatted with, but didn't really know well. Harry came too. It was fun, probably about 15 people in all. I really enjoyed myself for the first time since I had moved to the city. People chatting, drinking beer, eating chips and dip, listening to music, just hanging out.

Around 11 pm there was a knock on the door. I opened it and Billy Joe and Mike from Green Day were there, saying they had heard there was a party and could they come in. The band had just released their first 7" "1000 hours" on Lookout Records, and Blacklist was selling it. I had seen the band play several times at Gilman Street (and had seen them when they were still calling themselves Sweet Children), so I knew who they were. I told them it was a private party, and they were not welcome and sent them on their way. I have to laugh about this now, but at the time, I didn't want anyone I didn't know in my apartment. After all, all the furnishings weren't mine, and I didn't want to risk the classic party "take over" one sees so often in the movies. I didn't know the SF scene, and just wanted to keep things small.

They were bummed, but left without a fight. I went back to the party, which was getting pretty raucous by this point as more alcohol was consumed and the music was turned up. The party lasted until about 1 am, when everyone slowly started heading out. When everyone was gone, except Harry, I surveyed the damage. The house was filled with garbage and empty beer bottles. It was gonna take me some time to clean it up, and of course, no one there at the party had offered to help. Harry was so sweet, he offered to come back in the morning to help me clean up, so I just left the mess, and after Harry went home, I crashed. It was fun, but I was glad it was over. I was leaving for Oregon in two days, and I couldn't wait to go home.

Back to the story...

Ok, after my brief personal detour, its time to get back to my story about how I got where I am today with my business, Gearhead Records. So its 1989, and I had just quit my job at Pepsi and my attempt to fit into the corporate office world. It really wasn't for me. The Mint Platter took me back in an instant, and I was back to working full time at the record store, pricing used records and the occasional CD (remember, this was before CDs were affordable, so it was rare to find them used), listening to music, and trying to find a way to connect with people in San Francisco and make some friends. When I lived in Oregon, I used to order records from a mailorder company called Black List. They were a volunteer organization, run by some of the San Francisco punks, including people from Mordam Records, Maximum Rock n' Roll Submerge Mailorder, nd Alternative Tentacles. I figured this would be the best way to find people with similar interests, so I went down there to see if I could volunteer. They needed help badly, so after work at the record store, I would go to Black List and pull records and package up orders before going home. But here's the funny thing: no one talked to me! In fact, no one talked to eachother! I would try to make conversation, try to get to know the people working there but it was like talking to a wall. Everyone was very focused on doing their work, and not socializing. It was really frustrating. There was one very sweet man there named John. He was a bike messanger, and we would have philosophical chats occasionally. He was really handsome, and I developed a crush on him. I found out later he was gay.... At least working there, I was finding out about shows that were happening in the city, and where the cool punk clubs were. One night No Means No played, and I got to hang out with Ruth from Mordam, Tommy Strange and several other SF scenesters. I met Harry Sherrill who worked and lived at the Maximum Rock n' Roll house, and we started to strike up a friendship. One night I went to see Gwar. It was at the Covered Wagon Saloon, and the place was about half full. I managed to get right up to the stage and got covered in green Gwar Slime. It was alot of fun, and I didn't feel so alone. But I still was. I didn't have any friends to go hang out with, or just call up and chat with. So I continued working at the record store, going to Black List and trying to connect with people. I was getting depressed though, and very lonely, and was starting to feel very isolated. Harry told me that there was a room opening up in the Maximum house, and it was mine if I wanted it. The rent was right, $200 a month, and I thought maybe if I lived with people, friendships would develop and I wouldn't feel so isolated. So I took the room, and started to move everything out of my cheap 2 bedroom lonely flat. I showed up at the Maximum house with a car full of stuff (I had got a new used car by then, one my dad found for me in Oregon). When I started to move things in, I just assumed people would help me, but no. I still remember walking in with a bunch of boxes, struggling not to drop everything. Tim Yohannon was sitting in the living room with Lily Braindrop, one of the columnists for the magazine. They just stared at me. They didn't even say hi. I felt very awkward, and introduced myself and told them I was moving into the spare room downstairs. They said oh, and just went back to doing what they were doing. No one else was there, so I moved almost all my boxes in from the street by myself. At the very last load, Harry and John Yates (who later started Allied Records) came home and helped me move the last of my stuff in. But it was a miserable welcome for me in my new home, and I ended up not staying the night, but went back to my now empty flat, and spent the night there, feeling worse than I did before. I realized I had made a mistake, and that I was not going to feel comfortable living at the MRR house, so the next day, I called Harry, and told him I was going to move back out. He helped me pack all my stuff up and leave. The other people there just watched me leave, much like the day before when I had moved in. No one moved a muscle to help, or make me feel welcome, so I knew it was the right decision. To this day, I hold the record of living the shortest amount of time at the Maximum house. It makes me smile now, but at the time, I was miserable. And so lonely. Maybe I had made a mistake moving to San Francisco after all. I was broke, depressed, and getting a little bit scared. It was probably time to admit defeat and move back to Oregon.

At The Crossroads again

Only those very close to me know what I've been going through this past few months.I've hinted at the struggle, but was so ashamed to admit it. I got my bankruptcy discharge today. Yes, I had to file personal bankruptcy, and it has nearly ripped my insides out trying to deal with this. The struggle with the shame, the feelings of grief, and the biggest one, feeling like a failure, have haunted me these past 4 months. I put everything I own, and everything I am into pursuing a dream, even though this dream was killing me, literally sucking the life force out of me. And like so many now in these tough economic times, I've finally had to accept that I've done all I can, and I have to turn this dream over to my higher power. I can't control it any more. I know there's a hidden blessing in this situation. So many people are trying to struggle through this exact same thing in silence, behind hidden doors, struggling with misinformation and critical judgement from those around them who do not understand, and worse yet, the critical judgement against themselves by their own mind. Its exhausting and painful, and terribly frightening, but just like everything else in my life that's been a struggle, I can use this experience to help guide those around me through this painful process, because I myself have now been through it. I can use what I learned to help others avoid some of the pitfalls I've fallen victim to. There are so many lies out there by people preying on those in this situation, terrified about where to go next, and afraid to make the wrong decision, but making it anyway because they trusted someone who offered help, all the while not realizing they were the wolf in a sheep disguise. I have no idea what my next step will be. Just getting to this point has been a struggle, and I know its not over yet. I seek a higher perspective. I tell myself, fly like the hawk and look down at the bigger picture. The answer will come. It may be the opportunity to recreate my life that I've been yearning for. I don't know. So many ask me what will I do now? I really don't know. I'm not making any big changes or decisions. Business will go along as usual for now. Just being able to say I Don't Know is a huge step for me. One day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time. I don't know. But that's ok.