Trust Your Gut

What happens when everything you know and believe in is challenged or taken away from you? I’ve had this happen several times in my life and each time, it has led to a major turning point in my life. The first time I left home, when I was 18, I felt like my world was falling apart, but it led to an incredible new life for myself, despite the fact that my family was furious with me for going. You know what its like to be 18 and free of all parental oversight, I went crazy, but I had so much fun and tried so many new things, it felt like that old saying “The World is my Oyster”. Then 4 years later, breaking up with my boyfriend Matthew devastated me. I thought I would never stop crying. Deep painful wracking sobs filled my soul. I played Joan Armatrading records over and over and over. If you want a really good song to cry to, I recommend her music. I didn’t know exactly why I broke up with him, I just knew I wanted something more. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. I have never been one to settle just because I wasn’t sure what I was gonna do next. I always envied those people who would just keep putting up with something even though they were miserable, just because it was safe and they at least knew what to expect. I will never be one of those people. I can’t help it, its like some deep need to change things when it gets too stale. After walking away from Matthew, my world opened up again into a miraculous new direction. I found music and the radio station and changed the direction of my life forever. I was swept away by the joy, the excitement, the challenge, and the passion and started to follow that path, discovering new things about myself, and about the world around me. Love, sex, passion, deceit, honesty, fear, anger, lies, jealously, more deep hurt, panic and sense of self. When I graduated from Oregon State, I was faced with yet another life choice, another fork in the road. That poem about taking the path less worn always appealed to me. I can’t remember who wrote it, but that poem was written for me. If I were alive in the old days when the world was first being discovered, I would have been one of those explorers. Fear grips the pit of your stomach, but the possibilities of discovering a new world always outweigh the fear. And so I moved to San Francisco, not knowing a soul in the world, and my life shifted radically again, leading me to new knowledge, new people, new ideas, new passions, and ultimately my then husband. Radical shift again six and a half years later, deciding to leave him, absolutely certain that the misery and hurt I was feeling was not what my life was supposed to be. When I left Dan, I needed a team of people around me to help me move. I knew I had to go, but I was a puddle of hurt, disappointment, fear and emotional turmoil. I knew in my heart I had to go, and thank God for my parents and my friends. They helped carry me when the fear wanted to keep me stuck. It was the best decision I had ever made, but also one of the most difficult to carry out. But it led to yet another brilliant new fork in the road, and me starting my record label. Again, more excitement, joy, learning new things, meeting new people, new romances and passions, new betrayals and heartaches, new disappointments and new victories…. and then again, another radical shift, a lurch, like when the earth moves under you during an earthquake, and you loose your balance for a time. Leaving Mike and splitting up the company created a tidal wave of emotion, hurt, anger, fear, and ultimately self-confidence. I had a vision and I was finally free to pursue that vision, which I’ve done for 3 and a half years now. But another lurch, another shift, another fork is coming. Do I have the courage and the confidence to follow it? I don’t know if I can face the pain of another transition, the fear of the unknown, the thought of being anchorless again in uncharted waters. I like knowing what each workday will bring, even if its struggle. At least it was my design, my choosing. I like knowing that I have complete command of how I want my day to go. And yet…. The niggling little feeling that always precedes change for me, that feeling of life being routine, and that deeper feeling of, “There must be something more”. They say the explorers had faith that God was on their side, bringing them new vibrant worlds and adventures. I am struggling to have that faith that something better is around the corner. I am struggling to believe in the very bottom of my soul and heart that I will be safe, I will be ok. I can see, looking back at the many drastic shifts my life has taken that I’m always ok and usually better off than I was before. If you trust your gut, trust yourself that you really do know what’s best; things will always turn out ok. But that’s where faith comes in, and I don’t know if I have it in me anymore. I’m facing possibly the biggest shift in my life, and I know there’s something better out there, I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. And yet, letting go and just letting it happen takes the strength of blind faith in the unknown that it will in fact be ok…. The inevitable waves of grieving have started, and anger, and yes, deep fear…. What if this time it doesn’t work out? What then? I have to turn to faith, because I have nothing else. I have stepped off this ledge numerous times, and it has always been ok, once I let go and just went with it. And I know I have always felt this deep fear right before I let go, but I did it anyway. I know this time won’t be any different. I am now walking to the ledge, and getting ready to jump, free fall without a net, and have faith I will be safe, even if I can’t see the bottom.