Finding your passion

For many years, music has been my passion, completely and wholly occupying my life in all ways. I have been trying to trace where it all started to shift and it always comes back to a place where I started to listen to other people instead of myself. Years ago, when I was loving and living  freely, and was not concerned about what other people thought, I was able to access and enjoy that passion completely. When I was with Henry all those years ago, we laughed, we loved, we listened to music that spoke to our hearts. The same thing is true when I was with Ray. I remember dancing to the Mamas and Papas "California Dreaming" in the middle of the street at midnight, laughing, and singing at the top of our lungs. I pursued that passion so completely that I started to loose connection to those friends who inspired it in the first place. After Matthew and I split up, I found a little apartment by myself in a beautiful old house surrounded by towering graceful oak trees. It was a quaint railroad flat, partially furnished with an old fashioned steel framed bed, a couch and a kitchen table. I loved this place. It felt liberating to be all by myself, with no one else around. That's when I really started to build my record collection. I found an Alarm record at Happy Trails, the little used record store that is still standing today. And then fell in love with Modern English "I'll Melt With You" I was listening to KBVR, and learning about all sorts of new bands: The Cure, R.E.M, U2.... I don't remember what led me to go to the radio station to learn how to become a DJ. I know I was working with several people at the time who were DJs. The excitement and joy of getting to play music for people as I was learning about it and discovering it and talk about it overwhelmed me. I was totally hooked. I was scared to death too, but I pursued it. Thinking about how exciting all that was, and comparing it to my life now, things are so different. I'm burned out, overwhelmed by the selfish, destructive nature of egos. All grasping for their piece of the spotlight. Nothing resonates from the heart with most bands these days, its all about eg, fashion and attitude, and it makes me sick. All except Hellbound Glory. When I see them play, its pure, honest, passionate and filled with joy, just for the sake of making music. People have fun when that band plays, and they have no attitude about what they do. I went to see the Pine Box Boys last night and its the same thing for them. Just honest open music, with people dancing and having fun and just enjoying themselves. None of that garbage about being worried what people will think if "they're not cool". I want to scream when I see bands with that attitude! Give it up boys, get over it!! No one cares if your hair isn't perfect, just play the music and have some fun! Seeing Hellbound Glory and The Pine Box Boys gives me hope. It connects me to that passion I originally felt. And it makes me more determined than ever to excavate where it all changed, and to find that point and bless it and heal it and try to reclaim the joy and passion that drove my life all those years ago.