Living Someone Else's Life

What do you do when you wake up and realize one day that you have been living someone else's life? This is what I am going through right now. As I started out trying to figure out how I got to where I am today, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially, it has slowly been dawning on me that some where back, I lost my life, and stopped listening to my divine internal guidance system, and instead, started listening to what those around me thought I should be doing. And just that easily and unconciously, I slowly started doing what they thought I should be doing, not what I really wanted. As I read back along what I have written, its easy for me to see now, and to remember, where I was living my life, and where I started living someone else's life. When I fell in love with Henry all those years ago, I was truly living my own life. Happy to be seen and loved for who I was. He didn't want anything from me except authenticity. But the guilt, the fear, the "shoulds" of all those around me penetrated this beautiful feeling and acknowlegement of self, and I didn't have the courage to stay on that path. I went back to a man that was insecure, fearful, and desperately needy, because I listened to those around me about what I should do. I let go of a true deep spiritual love, and accepted a fearful, needy love, that on the surface made me feel good. I was needed, I could help this man. What a lie. And it then set the scene for so much of my life to come. I am waking up today, knowing for the first time without doubt in my heart, that I have spent these last 20+ years trying to live a life that other people thought I should have. There were brief glimmers of me finding myself, my voice, my spirit, but I allowed it to be paved over by fear, humiliation, uncertainty, and ego. The few times when I surfaced and broke free are vivid and stand out. When I followed my heart and married Dan, when I finally had the courage to leave him when that love turned to abuse, when I had the courage to follow my heart and start the record label, and then again, when that pure loving relationship with Mike degenerated into abuse and control, and I had the courage to walk away, knowing in my heart that it could be so much better, then again when I moved, and  opened my store. And now today, I am on the precipe of change yet again, and it feels right. Exciting, scary, exhilarating. I know in my heart its time to walk away again, and reach for myself, my life. Things have played out the way they have so I could learn the lesson that dawned on me last night. I have been doing what the collective "them" have thought I should be doing, completely unconciously. And I'm ready to be present in my own life. I'm ready to let go of the fear and the worry and embrace joy, love, happiness and peace. I'm ready to create for myself. And maybe people will like it, and maybe they won't, but that's not my problem anymore. I choose to create my life for me, and me alone.