Letting ourselves dream

How often do you let yourself dream about a life you want, a life that is different from the life you currently have? We are so attached to the meaning of what we do, that we forget we are changing growing beings who can have something more, something different. I'm finally daring to let myself dream, let myself contemplate a life that is totally different from what I do now. But there is immense fear there. I am so identified in my mind with my company, that its paralyzing to think of doing something else. What will people think? Will I still have the same friends? How will I recognize myself if I change my life so drastically? For the first time in my life, I'm listening to an internal dialog that I tried to drown out many many years ago. In my quest to find myself again, I've had to look back to see where it all went wrong. Only by understanding that path am I going to be able to allow the future to unfold in new and unexpected delightful ways. I had to stop for a bit . I couldn't take the sadness that some of those memories evoked. That decision to end a true love and hold onto something safe and familiar instead was excruciating. I think that might have been a hint of things to come if I was able to see it at that time. But hindsight is 20-/20. I really really get that saying now. So when I opted to stay with Matthew, I changed the course of my life forever. It clearly wasn't working though. I was miserable, and Matthew was getting stoned all the time, becoming someone that I wasn't intrigued by anymore. We had moved to a small apartment by this time, and had another room mate, Rick, who was also a stoner. It wasn't my thing, I didn't like the lazy sleepy way it made me feel. So I stayed away much of the time, studying ,working, and in general staying very busy. I think we lived in that apartment for a few months, and then found a darling 1930s house with our friends Randy and Margaret, and we all moved there. This was 1985  and I was going t o be turning 21 on Feb 15. My friends and hosuemates were all excited about throwing me a party to celebrate my ability to legally drink alcohol, so a keg was ordered, food was being made, and a cake was in the works by Margaret who was an incredible pastry chef. Alot of the new friends I was making at the coffee shop I worked at, and from the radio station where I was starting to hang around a bit were invited, and I asked everyone to wait until I got home from work about 10 pm, before starting the party. Needless to say, no one listened, and when I got home to my own birthday party, the keg was empty, the food was gone, and most of  the guests were either drunk, stoned, or had already left. Part of the birthday cake still remained though. Margaret had managed to save that for me. I was crushed. It was such a let down to what I had been expecting. And I felt betrayed. And my boyfriend Matthew just laughed and didn't think it was a big deal, but that was pretty much the end for me. Spring quarter ended a month later, and I ended my relationship with Matthew and moved out. I went back to my parents house and started looking for an apartment of my own. It was a gut-wrenching time for me. I felt so alone. I had discovered Joan Armatrading about that time, and played some of her most sad, broken heart songs over and over and just cried. I can't even begin to describe the pain. Matthew of course couldn't understand why I had broken up with him. He showed up at the Beanery, the coffee shop I worked at and begged for me to take him back. As I was leaving work that night on my bicycle, he ran after me, crying and begging for me to give him another chance, grasping at the rear fender of the bike, trying to detain me. I will never forget that feeling of riding off into the night, leaving him sobbing in the middle of the street. It was like a scene in a movie. I had chosen me, my life, my possibilities for the first time in many years. I knew I had made the right decision, that I needed to move on with my life to what new, exciting, scarey different things awaited me. I have repeated that moment, that fine line where everything is balanced, and things could tip either way  many times in my life. Its funny to note the very first time I became aware of it. I'm there again.