Heading True North

I am driving up I-5 North, back to my childhood home to attend my youngest brother's wedding. Its been a very good journey so far, for a number of reasons. My true love Bill is driving behind me. He can't come to the wedding, so we decided to drive halfway, and spend the night so we could have some time together. We're in Ashland, OR, a quaint college town known for its world-famous Shakespearean Festival. Today, I continue north, and he'll turn around and head back to Sacramento. This is a drive I've done hundreds of times over the years, always feeling urgent and rushed to get "home" to expectant parents, who love me and are happy to see me,  but can never see the woman I am, instead always seeing the wild unpredictable girl I was so many years ago. This time is different though. I feel like I am reclaiming myself, my essence, and am going at MY pace. Once during this drive many years ago, as I was in the high desert section of I-5 in the Siskiyou Mountains, I had a vision of a truck cab on fire, hurling towards me. Moments later, it actually happened. I was so startled by the vision and thought it was real, so I moved over to the far right hand side of the freeway. Moments later when it actually happened, if I hadn't moved when I did, I would have been struck by the flaming cab of the truck. Needless to say I was very shaken, and have never forgotten that moment. It also was a moment where I knew I was touching into some ancient universal powers, and I was so frightened, I think this was the point that I closed myself off to inner wisdom and communication from my higher self. Several weeks prior to that, I had dreamed a friend of mine died, and again, I was terribly shaken. I woke up 2 days later to find out he actually did die in his sleep. He was my neighbor, and when he didn't show up for classes that day, I woke up to his girlfriend banging on his door. When the police arrived and broke into the house, he was lying in his bed, having died in his sleep from some unknown cause they termed Adult Death Syndrome. I thought I had caused his death somehow by dreaming it. That experience, coupled with my vision of the burning truck shut off any further access to that apparent ability that was starting to surface. 

That memory kept flashing across my mind as I drove yesterday, with the music blasting, singing at the top of my lungs. Bill was in his truck behind me, so he had no idea what I was going through, although I had shared that vision with him the one other time we had driven to Oregon. Now though, I felt like I was reclaiming some part of myself. I know I didn't cause those things to happen, I just got a glimpse into the future. There are many parts of myself that I've left behind in Corvallis, traces of the girl I once was, and whom I don't even know anymore. Today, we're supposed to meet up with two old friends from my days living in Corvallis. its funny it should happen just now. I met them shortly after I broke up with Matthew in 1985, when I had just got my first apartment living by myself. That was a magical time, full of music, laughter, dancing and singing, good food, and great companionship. I haven't seen Steve since that time, when we became lovers for 3 wonderful months. After we broke up, Ray and I became lovers until I ended it, feeling sure he was more a friend than a boyfriend. I saw Ray last year at the Billet Proof car show, where he unexpectedly came up and said hi. It was as if we had been in contact all these years. I'm finding these pieces of my past at just the right time, as I seek to get back on a track I left so long ago, that of being true to myself, my voice, my passions. One would think its weird introducing my current boyfriend to 2 lovers from so long ago, but its a chance to share a part of my past with Bill, as I seek myself to recover it.